What next, God?

I know my title sounds a little harsh and sarcastic, but it's not. I promise.
It's an inquiry, a question stemming from curiosity and maybe a little paranoia.

Let's recap:
Week 1: taxes, glasses, Once Upon a Mattress, Project Dance, and car repairs
Week 2: meditation and pain
Week 3: clarity, confusion, CDs, and "Car, meet your new home... the garage" (also new car for the younger sis and start of grad school for older sis)
Week 4: Dancing, painting, the start of 500 folders, and partying/worshiping with 116 Clique (for real, shawty!)
Week 5: Dull as anything... until Friday.

Do you know the first thing that runs through your mind when something valuable is taken?
Here's what went through mine: "You're kidding, right?"

Have you ever felt superhuman? Like the things that affect other people can't possibly affect you? Until you realize you're human, too... just like everyone else, you're susceptible to bad attitudes, pimples, aches, pains, and bad decisions.

My wallet was stolen on Friday afternoon. The bank called me and asked if I made a couple purchases that afternoon. Think about my days: starting around 8:15 until whenever, Tuesday - Friday, I'm basically posted up at Liberty Church. I told them, "No, I've been at work all day."
Evidently, my wallet made its way out of my purse and into the hands of someone in need. It hurts... there were important things in there. Nothing that would make anyone else sad, but things held onto for different reasons.

I replaced my license, got some money to get me through the weekend til I can get a temporary debit card on Monday, and also about to file a fraud report for my credit report as well. (Getting Mom/my personal paralegal to help me with that.)

And all I can say is, "What next, God?"

Where are you taking me?
What is this new season?
Why was I so violently thrust into this new beginning?

Yeah, I have a lot of questions, but I'm not asking why me. I know why me: because there is a greater plan and more in-depth meaning to this that anyone can comprehend here on earth. God is moving things in the spiritual realm that I couldn't even imagine possible. There's this saying God gave me when I ventured into something new a couple years ago: Everything I ever thought was impossible is now possible, for nothing is impossible for God.

He said become what I need you to be. He has placed a standard before me; He has put expectations on the table, and He waits for them to be met. If it's not done in His timing, He brings about the changes to put it back on course.

So, my response: bring it. The questions I had about all these different experiences over the last few weeks sum up into one big question: "What is your will, God?"

Don't fight it; just go with it.

If our God is for us, then who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Week 6, bring it. I'm not fighting people or circumstances or things - it's between my Father and my enemy.

My Father always wins.

Who am I?

This morning, Pastor Sheila asked us to describe who we are in the kingdom. She asked, "If I was going to pick fruit from you, what would it be?" Everyone bears fruit -whether a little or a lot, ripe or overripe or underdeveloped.

I called myself "the voice of reason". Others called it wisdom (uhh....). I know people come to me for counsel, and I pray I encourage them as well as assist them in processing and all that. I also have people in my life that, when they let me know what's up, if I feel hesitant or iffy about something, they're at least open to hearing it... sometimes.

Well, what happens when that voice... isn't able to speak?
I don't even know if that makes sense.

I hope the people in my life know that I truly love them dearly, and I don't want to offend or judge.

When do you move from "the voice of reason" to "control freak"? How much am I really willing to trust God to do?

I want you to see the truth. I want you to know there really is only one way to the Father. I haven't figured it all out. I don't want you to walk that road. I don't want you to even venture down that detour.

I don't have it all together, and I'm FAR from perfect. I'm not Jesus. I can't save you. I can't make you see, understand, live, or conceive. I can't control you, even though I want to. I can't dictate, mandate, require, or force.

I have to trust the precious Holy Spirit to speak to your heart, bring conviction, and speak truth.

I'm not always the vessel He chooses to use.

How much do I trust you, Father? Even when I see those I love heading toward destruction or leaning away from you? Is it my place to stop them or do I let go? Do I say something, or do I refrain?

You told me, "Go with it. Don't fight it."
So, Your kingdom come, Father, and Your will be done.

Those I love - I will continue to pray and will say what He wants me to say.

Am I the "voice of reason" or wise person others perceive me to be?

The best definition is not who you say you are, but how others define you.

Wisdom in this situation - trust the Father. He knows.

The Next 5 weeks... began yesterday

So, I love how God says something, and it totally changes your perspective.
"The next 6 weeks of your life is going to bring some things. Don't fight it; just go with it."

Week 1: car needs to be fixed, tax payments set up, glasses break resulting in contacts and new glasses, reached a new place in Singles Worship, go to see "Once Upon A Mattress" in which my cousin (who is gay) plays a gay man, realized I'm not relevant to anyone under 21 anymore, went to Centennial Park and watched some amazing dancers and some amazing worshipers with dance experience and expertise, realized not everyone (or animal) is going to like me, attended Liberty Church on Sun AM and Passion City Church in the PM with family time in the middle.

To most, nothing overly shocking. I mean, I'm still alive, still have a home, still have all my limbs, and still even look cute :)

What do you possibly have for week 2, Father?
A friend that loves Jesus and has such a beautiful heart for others... practicing Buddhist mediation. Also, the lovely weather change in GA is messing with my sinus cavities. That's just day 1.

I'm also only allowed to read Song of Solomon, Romans, Hebrews, James, Jude, and memorize 5 specific chapters - Rm 12, Gal 5, Eph 6, and recap Is 61 & 1 Cor 13. I'm also reading with PCC's Journey to 515.

I have certain physical things to do everyday, and I have a certain amount of water to drink daily.

Apparently, I am now "fasting". I don't really mind saying this since Emily's really the only one that reads this anyway :)

The crazy part is I look forward to everything that's coming. I know God hadn't prepared me, I would've freaked out about so many things in the last week. But I realized God has been speaking to me about a couple things already. I don't have to justify my heart for teens and young adults. He's calling me to a new way to minister to those he places on my heart. Just like with my car, taxes, and glasses - no, I'm not out of debt, but my priorities are lining up according to His desire. He is setting me up for success, and I trust my Father to provide for me. Even this friend that is trying something new in meditation... well, I'm still working through that. I guess my response is PLEASE BE MEDITATING ON THE WORD!!!

Anyway, reading with PCC is so great, and the scripture for this week is just right. I love how the body of Christ can walk together, even though we are in different buildings and places. So, here we go:

Isaiah 40:1-2, 8
Comfort, oh comfort my people, says your God.
Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem,
but also make it very clear
That she has served her sentence,
that her sin is taken care of - forgiven!
She's been punished enough and more than enough,
and now it's over and done with.
True, the grass withers and the wildflowers fade,
but our God's Word stands firm and forever. (The Message)

The next 5 weeks will contain some things that will probably send my head reeling. I will more than likely experience something mind-blowing, gut-wrenching, or just jaw-dropping.

And through those things, I am in a place where I can go to my Father boldly, I can be affirmed in my faith through the Holy Spirit, and I can laugh or cry with my Savior, brother, redeemer, and friend. The best part is His Word stands firm and forever. This declaration of forgiveness will always cover me, and in return, I give my life in allegiance and obedience.

It makes me think of "King Arthur". BTW, I really dig this movie, and not because of the dark, brooding, yet extremely handsome Ioan Gruffudd. Moving on... the men that followed Arthur went to the death, proclaiming him as their leader. They remained faithful, no matter the fear they battled or fury they felt.

Over the next 5 weeks, God and I will travel a path only He knows how to navigate. I choose to be faithful, no matter what fear I face or frustration I experience.

I am forgiven, that is eternal truth, and I lift my eyes, expectation, and hands to the living God.

Do what you will.

Becoming Who You Are

Everyone tries to be better –

A better person,

A better mother or father,

A better employer.

It’s our goal, our highest aspiration,

It’s what we live for.

But we never achieve it.

There’s always someone that’s better –

More stuff, more money,

More control, more power,

More popular, more loved.

But we keep pushing for it,

Striving to become better.

We believe in becoming better people,

We become who we were meant to be.

CEO, president, American Idol,

Best teacher, most successful salesperson,

Most friendly, most likely to be famous.

So many situations, and we allow them to

Become our identity,

Define who we are,

Tell the world “this is me”.

But, honestly, are we really better?

Or just more experienced?

Do we really learn from these things

Or are they just markers in the race?

Did you ever stop to think that

Becoming who you are

Is becoming who I AM is?

I AM is holy

I AM is a sacrifice.

I AM is love.

There is so much more

To who you are

Than these titles and goals.

Father, help us see and know

That becoming who we are

Is all about becoming who

YOU ARE.

What Can I Give To You?

So, it's Thursday.

Sunday, a mentor told me things would be happening over the next 6 weeks. He said just go with it, not to fight it. I knew it was from the Lord because it confirmed something God spoke to me in the past. It also stirred up questions in me, but a word of knowledge usually does.

Yesterday, my glasses broke.
About a month ago, the check engine light came on and went off... then came back on and went off... every day.
6 months ago, I was dreading April 15 because I knew I wasn't ready for taxes.

All this, on top of scaling back in pay and work as well as personal issues...

I still choose to say, "Blessed be your name". I still pick you, Jesus.

But I know I can give you; I just haven't yet.

You want my trust.
You want my time.
You want my heart.

Lord, I gave you my heart; I gave you my soul. I live for you alone.

You won't relent until you have it all; my heart is yours.

Seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness, then all things will be added to you.

Jehovah Jireh - the God who provides

You have my heart.
You have my trust.

What can I give to you? My time.

What kind of relationship flourishes when there's no time spent with each other? What kind of marriage is successful if one is always running after someone or something other than their mate? What kind of friendship lasts when those involved don't stop, listen, and talk? What kind of relationship does a daughter have with a father she never talks to, gleans advice from, clings to when she's happy or sad, or doesn't even bother getting to know?

"Be still, (insert name here) and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

When we give God the opportunity to be God by waiting, being still, spending time, listening, and loving, we see his hand move in our lives in ways we never thought possible.

He wants my time.

Take a minute and ask... what can I give to you?

Even better, ask Him this: What do you need to take from me so I can focus on you?
Ask, and then... let Him take it. He took away my security in financial things: car acting crazy, taxes due to the government, broken glasses, and less work. That's HUGE for me. I'm the one that never asks for help, never asks to borrow, and now I have to trust God to multiply my pennies.

But it got my attention, and that's what He wants. My attention, my time, my focus.

So, what does God need to take away from you?

Work in Progress

One hour.
One hour left in today.
Do you know what happened today last year?
Tears, sobs, brokenness, and heartache.
"Please don't let it happen.
Please let me be wrong.
Please let this message resounding in my head be a lie!"

One hour.
One hour left, and then it's tomorrow.
Do you know what happened one year ago tomorrow?
"It's not you; it's me.
It just wouldn't work.
This just isn't right."

One hour.
One hour left to praise you for today.
Do you know what happened today?
I live for you.
I desire to know you better.
Your love is extravagant.

One hour.
One hour, and then it's tomorrow.
Do you know what will happen tomorrow?
"I will celebrate,
Sing unto the Lord!
I will sing to Him a new song!"

I'm still a work in progress - learning to let go and see God in every situation.
Even the situations that bring pain and ache to my soul.

I'm still a work in progress - thanking God for His sovereignty and goodness.
For He knows what's best for me better than I know what's best for me.

I'm still a work in progress - giving God all I am and all I have.
He disciplines and corrects those He loves, esp. when they don't give everything.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
The wages of sin is death,
BUT the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

I'm still a work in progress - I don't get it right every time.
I'm trusting you, though, my Father, for your way and will in my life and the lives of others around me.

JCH

Am I Less Than Because I Didn't Do It?

This is long, but I promise I'm going somewhere. Are you up for the journey?

My father is from Albany, GA, and my mother is from Bronx, NY. My three sisters and I were born at Vandenberg AFB, CA. Both my parents served in the USAF, and this fact kept us on the move for the first half of my life. So, already, it would seem our family would be different.

When I was about 4, we moved to Grand Forks AFB, ND. We were one of very few black families, but it didn't seem to be an issue to me. We went to school, played with our friends, and went to church. I didn't really get the whole God, church thing, but Sunday School was fun, and I loved family camp during the summers. I remember the beginning of getting easily heated and a rebellious streak.

Our next assignment was Barksdale AFB in Louisiana. We lived there for four years. It was during this time I developed a shorter fuse/temper, fought with my sisters and kids at school, talked back, experienced "inappropriate touch" by a cousin, was introduced to pornography by a "friend", began a struggle with depression, and hated myself for not being on the A honor roll every 9 weeks. It was also during this time when I read the Old Testament and decided God was a God of wrath. I was too afraid to read the New Testament because I didn't believe I deserved the grace of Jesus' message. I read Revelation and couldn't sleep. I knew my life was messed up, and I didn't know what to do.

All this time, my family was involved in our church. I went to Sunday School and knew the answers. I went to service and acted like I was paying attention. I did Vacation Bible School, sang the songs, did the hand motions, and even prayed in public. I listened to Psalty the Singing Songbook. I watched Superbook, the Flying House, Colby, The Donut Man, and Greatest Adventures - Stories from the Bible.

I was 12 when we moved to Minot AFB, ND.
By this time, I thought I had to be perfect. I thought no matter what, how hard I tried, how much I worked, I'd never be good enough, but I tried anyway. I played sports, sang in choir, studied and aced everything, and strove to be the one everyone saw instead of the one everyone overlooked in favor of someone else. Then, there was the ONE.

How I wanted him to notice me. How I wanted him to pick me. How I invested so much in a hope and a wish.

We left MAFB right after my 14th birthday and headed to Atlanta. I left MAFB with a broken heart, a huge insecurity about being back in the south, and even more head knowledge about God than before. Yeah, we were still active in church. We sang specials and in the choir, did Sunday School, talked to our friends and invited them to church. Does that stop us from striving for acceptance? Does that stop us from looking for peace? It didn't for me. I still carried the hurt from before we got to Minot, and 2 years of living that way only compounded my soul's burdens.

Wheeler High School in 1995 is the scariest place I've ever been in my life. I didn't know what to think, how to act, what to say, who to talk to, and it all barraged at one time.

The next four years of my life are a blur now, but some instances stand out. I remember my first friend. She was the first person to talk to me in three months. So many people thought she was strange, but I was grateful. She introduced me to my chorus teacher, which set me on a path that I still walk today. I remember my first choir solo as one of three freshman in concert choir, something that didn't happen then. I remember getting my first A in high school. I remember my first show - My Fair Lady - and the torrential rain that tried to stop our baby musical theater program from maturation. I remember teaching elementary age kids to read. I remember getting involved in FCA, Theater, Chorus, and developing my writing skills. I remember graduating and being proud of my accomplishments.

I remember the first guy I liked, and how I thought I was wrong because I held on to the hope of the guy up north. I remember how I broke when I found out the guy up north thought I was a joke. I remember fights with girls in the hallway, screaming all kinds of words that a young lady shouldn't use or know. I remember being at parties with my friends and getting high from THEIR smoking. I remember lying, sneaking, manipulating, yelling, rebelling, and demanding. I remember learning lyrics to songs I knew were demeaning. I remember people I knew killing themselves. I remember conversations with friends (guys and girls) that were obscene and contained too many innuendos. I remember graduating with regrets and pain.

I remember Liberty Church and the Lighthouse, my home away from home and saving grace. I remember going to my first camp and not knowing God the way these other kids knew Him. I knew of Him, but I didn't know Him. I remember speaking in tongues for the first time and how it BLEW my mind. I remember physically feeling the Spirit bring me to my knees and being completely unable to stand in His presence. I remember finally feeling free after being baptized by my youth pastor. I remember graduating with purpose and intent.

Let jump forward 10 years. Since then, I graduated from college, worked a couple jobs (steadily now), traveled across half the country, dealt with a huge blow to our family, fell in love and had my heart broken, and now here I am, at 29, a sinner that struggles with addictions, depression, insecurity, and brokenness.

Why did I write this? Because this morning I woke up feeling completely unqualified for ministry. I woke up feeling completely irrelevant, out of touch, ineffective, I've lost touch with the age group God's called me to love, and they all look at me like I'm old, bitter, and legalistic. I woke up thinking "They're going through stuff I never dealt with. Who am I to say anything?"

Please hear me out: no, I don't have to dig through sexual partners, hours of being high on pot or crack or meth, or nights of being drunk beyond recognition, but yes, I have to dig through people that have been eternally broken and killed by my words, hours of sitting in the darkness fighting the urge to die, and nights of pictures and images that are forever burned into my mind.

And yes, I grew up in the church - my whole life.

Don't get it twisted: God is very real to me, and I am very serious about the role He plays in my life. I am redeemed and saved by the blood of the Lamb. I am a daughter of the King, and I am becoming who HE wants me to be.

My heart breaks for the next generation of the church... and I feel like I'm helpless to do anything.

So, am I less than because I didn't do it?
Am I irrelevant because my life isn't full of bad "outer" decisions?

Tonya Cobb really helped put a bow on this one: a person's life isn't their qualification for ministry - their heart for the Lord and his people qualifies them. He calls, equips, and prepares those He has great plans for, and He stays faithful to those faithful to Him.