6 seminary classes
5 hours of sleep a night
4 weeks of school have passed
3 crazy people in a Honda Fit is interesting
2 Passion conferences,
and a research topic due last night.
I know... I counted down from six on the second day, but that's where life is right now. I should be writing a paper on the mission of God and how it's revealed in a book of the bible. I probably need to pick a book to reflect and engage, but for now... I see a long day tomorrow.
This semester looks, feels, sounds, and resounds within me very differently than last semester. I believe part of this is because I now understand life here in Dallas a little better. I do believe, though, that it's also because I am anxious. Wanting to speed through and walk into ministry, desiring to accelerate the dating process (without actually dating), hoping to finally establish a home that has my roots at the foundation... I'm finding myself looking forward often, desiring what's ahead instead of resting where I am currently.
In my present state, I struggle to find the bow. I feel a bit like a wanderer, not quite having a place to rest, and I struggle with understanding why this path. I'm not afraid like I was before, and I'm not skeptical of what could happen. I'm doing what I do best: pushing forward only to find I'm overstepping God's boundaries. Patience, peace, rest, contentment... the more I long for them, the more elusive they become in light of the situations that increase and fortify their presence in my life. I am not ungrateful - God's grace is overabundant in my life. I am not lacking a thankful heart - his presence and providence are perfect in every way.
I am still human, allowing flesh to dictate aspects of life. Today, however, I repented to God for my arrogance and pride, simply for thinking he doesn't know what's best for me. Not only did I think that, I also believed he doesn't want to give me what's best for me, as though I know what's best. Ultimately, as Ben Stuart said, I didn't trust him to be a good dad. The struggle is real: I want to be married, have a home, fill it with kids, and teach in a ministry while leading worship and assisting others produce and make their dreams a reality. I want to work full time and finish this degree, getting married in the process. I want to somehow have enough money to pay my students loans quickly, purchase some land with my husband, and create a safe haven, not separate from reality, but a biblical way to live in reality, continuing to engage culture and yet bringing biblical, sound doctrine into real life.
Is this what's best for me?
Do I get to choose what's best for me?
Do ALL of my decisions affect what's best for me?
Will my decisions delay what's best for me?
Not completely fleshed out due to tiredness...
