10 years ago...

"I have this huge desire for marriage.  I have this huge desire for a family.  I have a huge desire to minister to teens in high school.  I have this huge desire to travel.  I have this huge desire to sing in front of tons of people.  I have this huge desire to act.  I have this huge desire to make a difference in the world… especially entertainment.  I have this huge desire to coordinate an event so huge, the world will have to take notice of what God wants to do.  I have this huge desire to tell teens my mistakes so they don’t have to learn them the hard way.  I just… have such huge dreams in my head, and I don’t know how to make them reality."

I wrote this over ten years ago, when I began my season of Lost... pun intended.

I shared my life story recently with my spiritual formation group, and I realized a lot as I shared, or didn't share, aspects of my life. There are points I didn't bring up, but if you know me or read my previous entries, then you already know what I've walked through. I gave the seasons of my life TV show titles - Muppet Babies, The Cosby Show, The Wonder Years, Dawson's Creek, Living Single, Lost, and A Different World. Again, if you know me, you probably know where and when each season occurred. If you don't, it's not that hard to figure out.

Reading these aspirations in light of where I am and what I've learned about God's plan, I have questions now. Even more than making these dreams reality.... should they even be dreams? Should I even aspire for these things? Should I want any of these?

A few years ago, I was taught sin is allowing the "I want" statement and desires to dictate my life. Essentially, sin is me in the driver's seat, making sure I get what I want. Jesus tells us when we do this, we might actually get it, but it won't go with us when we die. These things here are our reward. But what do we do with those desires? They're there for a reason - biologically, there is support for marriage and family.  Intellectually, there is support for sharing mistakes and talking to a younger set of leaders so they can lead more effectively. There is also support for contributing to the entertainment industry because there is an innate need for creativity and expression, and humanity seeks ways to create aesthetic experiences. Egotistically, and completely full of humanity, there is support for wanting to make a difference and do something big in the world.

Of course, these are self-centered ramblings of a 23 year old girl that just graduated from college and is looking ahead at life. However, at 33, are they still self-centered ramblings, are they "pipe dreams", or are they still options that are available to me in the future?

This one doesn't wrap so pretty, guys, so no bow this time...

SN: I use the word struggle A LOT. Choosing to see life like my dad - challenges. Will I rise above or buckle under the weight of it all? That's why I'm here.

Bucket List

Race a car

Go to Japan

Go to Australia

Go to Greece

Voice a cartoon character 

Release one solo album

Speak before a huge group of people

Ropes course in the mountains

Stay on an island for a week or more

Live in Colorado

Live in Tennessee

Get married

Adopt kids

Open a school

Organize a large event

Strange... I don't see seminary on here...