It's really hard to turn your brain off when you're constantly concerned about things you can't control. Currently, I am walking through a season of troubling issues hanging around me. There's not a direct effect on my day to day life, but these issues cause me to stop and think regularly. As I explained one of the three situations I'm processing in a recent conversation, my listener's eyes just got bigger. When I asked why, the response was, "Because that's a lot!" You see, when your brain never shuts off, you don't get shocked, and when you don't get shocked, life becomes a list, a series of tasks, detached and disconnected.
I didn't notice this until the AC in my apartment stopped working. It wasn't even the length of time it was out; it was the loss of hope I felt when it worked for 5 hours and then stopped. I was getting ready for bed, and I adjusted the thermostat. All I heard was the click as the temperature registered inside the thermostat, and then the unit just stopped running. Within moments I was laying on my bed with tears flowing. I just knew I would be able to curl up under my blanket and comforter and sleep in a cool room, and my one source of relief, and the first item I could check off my list in a couple months, just disappeared right before me. All the emotions that were pent up, dealing with the different major issues of my summer, came rushing to the surface, and I realized it was a lot.
I am really good at being okay. I can keep smiling in light of and in spite of. I can get my job done, sincerely laugh with others, and be present with them in their situations. But I'm not good at peace and quiet... my brain doesn't stop processing when the last friend leaves to go home. Those issues that are a constant concern don't get checked off the list. They just get added to, and there's no room for emotional response because that's one more item in the list for me to process and fix. I can't take time to fix myself - when will I fix everyone else?!
And that, my friends, is the issue. I literally can't fix anyone or anything else. I can't remedy anything because people still have the freedom to choose a remedy or a hangover. They can hear and heed or ignore and flee. I can be concerned and think all day long, but all I can offer is an ear and an opinion. So why am I constantly thinking when it's not up to me? Why am I processing through things that I really don't need to have on my list? Is my list really as long as I think it is?
Don't get me wrong or misread this - there are situations that we have to think through because our next action will make a difference. However, my list contains items and issues from home. What can I do 12 hours away? How about the issues that occur at higher pay grades and behind closed doors? Or just the fact that I know NOTHING about HVAC... a list of stuff I can't fix.
Seminary doesn't exclude you from hurting, wrestling, processing, or fixing. It simply offers you remedies that can make the list shorter. It is not for the faint, but it is for the broken. It's not for the unyielding, but it is for the undone. It is not for creating silence, but it is for developing quiet and peace.
No bow... and that's okay.
