Death.
Loss of privacy and security.
Injustice.
Inhumanity.
Loss of innocence, idealism, and ignorance.
Lack of stability.
And that's just the last four months.
I turned 34 on June 13 (for all you Heroes Reborn people, ain't it great!), and my life ceased to look anything like I recognized from the past.
This summer, there was a dialogue that took place in a semi-public forum that caused me to question and solidify where I stand on race. I realized I could not sit idly by without being a proponent for change in my current environment. So, I chose to talk. Talk to whomever would listen and allow me to hear them in return. Yet, I don't know if I spoke up enough, talked to the right people, or even pushed back. I rallied for a cause, but I feel like I fell short in execution.
Then, Kimba went into the hospital. I've known this woman since we were 15, and she's totally ride or die. She's still in the hospital, and it rips me up because I'm not used to her not being strong, loud, laughing, and constant. I can't be that for her.
A friend from college didn't want to live, but he's still here. However, that didn't stop a distinct message from playing over and over in his mind. In August, it culminated in a message sent to me, and I did all I could. He's still here, but it hurts because he was my rock when I fell apart, but I'm unable to be there for him.
My grandmother passed on my older sister's birthday. I got the phone call as I walked out of a debate that questioned if the historical Jesus ever claimed to be God. Talk about an eventful evening. My last interaction with my grandmother was not good. I know she loved me, as long as she remembered who I was, but in these last couple years, after she lost her memories, I couldn't return her love.
Stories, thoughts, dreams, wishes, hopes, fears... written over time, chronicled by images. LOST. In the process of changing computers, I didn't take enough care for my pictures, and now they're gone. I didn't do enough to have a back up of a back up, and snapshots from early years disappeared overnight.
I went to the doctor three weeks ago. I sat there and listened as she said she didn't trust the positive ANA test that came back from my blood sample. Wait, what? Why don't you trust the people that do labs regularly? And why would you tell me you don't think the positive is right? And even more, why would you tell me that a positive ANA could mean lupus?!
Two weeks ago, my car was there... and then it wasn't. Just like that. Independence, mobility, a sense of freedom. A marker of being an "adult" taken, and a sense of security, stability, consistency, and familiarity erased from this season.
And in light of all this, I study Habakkuk.
Habakkuk asks God the questions that voice my heart right now.
He points out the injustice of life and wonders where God is and why He's silent.
On Tuesday, I honestly told the Lord I feel like my prayers are falling short, completely hitting the ceiling and bouncing back to me. I told him I don't understand how He can watch these things happen, even give them permission to occur, and just remain silent. In Habakkuk, the people of Israel did many things wrong, and God was done talking. He was sending the Babylonians, and that's what he told Habakkuk. So, I question what I've done, wondering if He's done talking and just sending the Babylonians.
Now, don't get it twisted. God had cautioned the people of Israel for GENERATIONS, not just once or twice before choosing to send them into exile. He had laid out the terms of the deal, so he had every right. Not out of spite, but because he loves them so much and is integrity - God had to keep his word. I don't know if God's been talking for a while, and I just haven't been listening. If so, I hope my ears are opened quickly!
I believe I'm being obedient in this season, seeking his purpose as well as becoming more like Christ. I believe I am loving, motivating, challenging, and encouraging the way He would have me to do these things.
So, if I am, then maybe I'm more like Job.
Job literally didn't do anything wrong, but He got all kinds of stuff dumped on his head. Lost his kids, his material wealth, and even aspects of his health because Satan wanted to prove God could not be sovereign and loving, just and gracious. However, Job recognized God didn't owe him an explanation, but it was for him to trust a sovereign God. After this realization, God restored Job's health and doubled his family and wealth, thus proving God is completely just and completely gracious, simply because he is God.
Both of these books of the Bible reflect the statement made by a hurting man who had a demon-possessed child. When he stood before Jesus, there was a dichotomy in his heart. There was nothing in life that would cause him to believe that anyone could heal his child. There wasn't any reassurance, any really hopeful moments, that indicated the boy would live life differently. But this father, in light of life's pains, stopped to acknowledge there was some hope and trusted in Jesus. He said, "I believe; help my unbelief". He had years of life with his son being attacked, and still there was hope.
I have to admit, though, in this season, I feel like nothing that's happening right now causes me to think that my prayers will avail much. Not much right now helps me think that the peace, rest, and even companionship that I hope for are coming to me. Part of me doesn't think I will live life differently, but, in light of life's pains, I have to stop and acknowledge my trust in the Lord.
And it's only been four months.
Habakkuk and Job asked the question, "Do I trust God when life seems imbalanced, unfair, or unjust?"
That desperate father answered, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
I serve and worship a God that is sovereign. He is for me, and He is just. He is faithful, and He is love. He is stability, consistency, and security. So, I continue to pray and seek the Lord. I continue to lift up these situations, speaking when it's time and staying silent when necessary. And I continue to ask God for help when I hope, but doubt; when I believe and have unbelief.
