A Recent Epiphany

Hi to anyone that periodically checks here. I'm still here, bogged down with stuff, but God is slowly alleviating the extra weight, literally and figuratively.

So, I had a moment of clarity earlier this week, and it really messed with my head. It's simply this: if the person I am with truly loves God first, then he won't ask me to change who God created me to be. First, a disclaimer: this is not a slam or whatever to my past. It's a lesson learned, and I'm grateful for the chance to learn it.

Moving on...
I realized this as I was on my home from singing this weekend. The trigger was a question, "what is the biggest difference between your last relationship and the next one you enter?" I paused for a moment before responding, "In this new relationship, I don't believe I will wonder if God is his priority. It'll be evident in the way he walks, talks, and behaves toward others. He'll be a natural servant, and he'll worship without hesitation because he recognizes the value of the gift." I stopped for a moment and started to cry because very few of the guys I liked in the past resembled that statement. What did I see that had me so distracted? For a couple of them, it was totally their looks. They were gorgeous on the outside, but just dark on the inside. Others, their hearts were in the right place, but there was still a deep-seeded selfishness that dictated their decisions. Then, there were those who were in church, but it was their parents' faith or a watered down version of true relationship that led them. I asked myself, "when did I become that girl that gave up who she was to stay in a relationship?" Then I realized this truth: it happened when I stopped trusting God for a man who lives for and loves God more than anything.

Today, I read this in a devo I found:

What will married life be like if your faith in Christ is just tolerated? mocked? sabotaged? resented?

Wouldn’t you rather go through life with someone who will pray for you? pray with you? go to church with you? read the Scripture with you? sing hymns with you? receive Holy Communion with you? be a true partner in raising your children as Christians?

Please don't miss the point. It's about who you are in Christ. There is security in the actions of the last paragraph. There is a sense of freedom when you know you'll be challenged to grow, but never challenged to compromise your faith. I don't want to be simply tolerated; I want to share my faith with him. Ladies, when you express your expectations, and you get the feeling he's patting you on the head and saying "bless your heart" on the inside, trust and believe you're being tolerated, not accepted.

So I pose a rhetorical question to be answered in your personal journal, diary, or whatever: what will be different in the future because of what you experienced before?

In my life, this looks like a relationship that carries a constant challenge to stay committed to The Lord and my mate. It is one that allows personal passions to be acceptable, embraced, and encouraged on both sides! It is one that respects time and devotion. More than anything, it is a shared relationship - three cords, not easily broken.

72 Days For Freedom

I am 27 million
My face is one that looks like so many others,
Suffering from hunger, hopelessness, helplessness, and hurt.
I am 1 million
I traveled through your city on my way to somewhere, wondering if someone anywhere would see me and cry out because I could not.
I am 100,000
I live on the street only a few miles from you, near your job, near your church.
I watch as you cross the street, praying you see the desperation when your eyes meet mine.
I am 500
I sat next to you on the bus, on the train.
I rode in the cab you took just a few hours ago.
You even smiled at me when you walked away to live life.
I am 1
I am 1 girl, the one God placed on your heart earlier tonight.
I am the 1 heart, the one face you saw when you heard about 27 million.
I am God's heart, and I have a name.
One day, I will no longer be 27million.
I will just be me, free in Him, blessed by Him, loved by Him...
Because I become a girl to you, no longer a number but a face.

LIFT

Reflections from "LIFT", a worship collective held this spring:

Wow... not even done yet, and God has done such a crazy work in me! From Louie's opening to Crowder last night to Christy Nockels (whom I love as an artist and woman of God) to Chris Tomlin's heart for us as worship leaders... Tears, laughter, smiles, prayers, conviction and encouragement - I am just in awe of my Father in Heaven.
Living life out of my identity, not my calling.
Maintaining a posture of humility and remembering God gives us a response ability to respond to His presence in order for others to see Him magnifies when we worship through music.
Beginning new chapters is a beautiful thing and brings such joy (props to David Crowder for the acoustic late night).
Worship and justice really are the perfect marriage and have been for centuries. Now I know why adoption is such a huge issue for me. Worshippers naturally want life to reflect worship, and injustice is the antithesis of such. (totally wanted to ask Chris Tomlin to lay hands on me, but I figured that would be awkward)
My heart is softened and changing as I go through the hours of this amazing collective, and all I can say is thank you, Lord.
Realizing a couple things about me:
I have not because I ask not.
I look forward to the strong hand on my back and thank God he's showing me grace in this area.
Already worship and justice are wed in my heart, and now to convey to the world.
I love hearing the voice of the church rise and make declarations of love and worship to an Almighty king.
It's my responsibility to "tune my guitar" - I have to get serious about what I do. Much respect for my daughter for doing just that - so proud of my Naji.

Father, my prayer is for your will. Help me hit the bullseye, knowing you will take care of the outer rings. In Jesus' name. Amen.