Me: I'm sorry, God. I feel like an embarrassment to you.
HS: I know, but I am here with you in your pain. I understand how you feel.
Me: Then why don't you change it? You know how lonely I am.
HS: Because my hope is you will choose me over the alternative.
Me: Or you could just send him.
HS: Will you choose me over him? Will you actually seek me when he comes?
Today is Good Friday, and my first thoughts are about myself, my pain, my ache, and my suffering.
The crazy thing is, and this is what I believe about God, that I can honestly say my pain, ache, and suffering are valid. I can be open with the Lord and reveal how much this hurts, and He responds with patience (which I'll never completely understand, but am grateful for), grace (repeat earlier note), and love (ditto).
These hurts I deal with, in addition to the many hurts of my past and future and those of all humanity, are the reason for today. Initially, God faced a dilemma - humanity didn't choose Him over the alternative. The pain of overt, outright rejection is a lot, but it's multiplied when it comes from someone you love intensely. Our God, the only one who can heal his own broken heart, experienced this and knew there was only one way to resolve the issue.
So here's where I'm at:
Will I ever choose God if life starts to "go my way"?
If the things, people, and events I ask the Lord for actually occur, will I choose to praise or be arrogant?
Will I ever recognize the true gravity of His sacrifice?
Today, Good Friday, is a day of remembrance. Thinking about Jesus' request in the garden, we see he considered the alternative. He didn't want to die. The difference between Jesus and humanity is he didn't choose the alternative; he chose God. Remembering this definitely puts my suffering and my alternatives under a new lens. My prayer is next time, when given the choice, I'll realize it's not really a choice at all - my heart already belongs to God.
Will I ever get it right?
Will I ever see the truth?
Will I ever choose Him?
Yes, but only because Jesus got it right, IS the truth, and chose me first.
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