Pieces

Javier Colon - Stitch By Stitch (let it play in the background while you read)

Blue and black, heart torn out,
You uncover what's beneath my skin
There and back, there's no doubt, your touch is my medicine

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

I believe I live in a broken state. Not necessarily contrite, but seemingly very broken. I feel like life is harder than I expected being here in Dallas, and I sometimes wonder if anyone else really understands this feeling. Intellectually, I know there are many students here that struggle with being away from family and close friends. They live life knowing all they can do to get through the day is remind themselves that God is who He says He is, and there is a definite purpose to this season in life.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch 
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

What you say, without words, resuscitates what was numb inside
So repair me, every thread of me, 'cause you're bringing me back to life

For me, though, there is a lingering question: Will you take everything that's been broken and put it back together, Lord? I'm living half a country (and half a day's trip) from those that know me most and best. I wonder on a regular basis if this is really where I'm supposed to be right now. I am already unable to meet expectations of and struggling to fairly set boundaries for others. I see all that is wrong in the world before I see what is beautiful. More than anything, issues that were once dealt with and dead seem to have risen once again in my life.

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now stitch, by stitch

I'm still afraid of falling, somehow it's takin' over me
Don't ever let me let it go...

There and back, there's no doubt, your touch makes me whole again

In this moment, I have to stand firmly and securely in God's ability to heal and make a beautiful piece of work out of the fragments of my life. If I doubt His hand in my life, then the fear of falling becomes a definite reality. If I forget His goodness, I will waver in my faithfulness.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch

Here is my brokenness, my shame, my pain, and my need.
Dear God, Your presence in my life is unmistakable; only You could repair me before, and only You can fix me now.
Yet, I still walk in insecurity, trying to cover my open wounds.
In You, there is peace and rest for my soul.
My scars, reopened and exposed, heal only by Your hand.
I will be who You created me to be; as You mend and stitch, You form Your son and His character.

Phil 1:4-6
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Praying, as He puts me back together, each stitch solidifies who I am as a child of God in my mind, emotions, relationships, and ministry.

An Introverted Seminarian... If That Makes Any Sense

Over the last few weeks, seminary has been a new life and learning experience. So much of what happens in my everyday life is far removed from what I'm used to at home. Atlanta is covered in fall colors, and Dallas stays warm and... covered in concrete. I'm used to living life laid back, coming and going when I please, unfettered unless I choose to be. I now experience life in a small radius at a slow moving (read walking) pace. Home is still in Marietta, and I happen to live in Dallas.

The community in which I reside gathered together for dinner this evening. It's our fourth dinner together, and I usually appreciate the time as a break from studying, a chance to build relationships, and an opportunity to eat some really fantastic food. However, tonight was more difficult, and I came back upstairs within minutes. See, I went out last night, and there were a lot of people. Two days back to back... a little overwhelming.

Sitting on the floor with my plate, I wrote a paper on introversion and leadership in the church. I know I am a "social introvert", so I'm able to handle social events to an extent and even seem outgoing. Yet, after the noise fades away, it's in the solitude and silence that I am free and at peace.

How does life look for an introvert in seminary? Well, on some days, it looks like a genuine smile and interest in your day. These days usually include laughter, lots of questions, and possibly hand gestures. Other times, it looks like a genuine smile accompanied by a soft tone and a hug. Then, there are days when the wall is holding me up, and my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. This day might also produce a wave or a nod. Bottom out days... our encounters will probably be quiet and brief.

It's not that I don't care... because I honestly do with a genuine concern.
It's not that I don't like you... unless I genuinely don't like you (which takes a LOT of effort for me).
Its' not that I am anti-social... I like to laugh and enjoy hearing about your story. Everyone's story has value.

I just can't be on all the time.

This is a constant struggle for me. I'm still insecure in my new environment, and I know I can say and do things that will harm people when I don't think before I speak or act. I walk around in a constant tense state, trying to be encouraging and speaking words that I won't regret later. However, I also know this isn't healthy for me in any aspect.