Ugly

Ugly

Two months in... only approx. 46 more if all goes well, and I finish this program on time.

Two months in... and I fight to stay even one more day.

Two months in... and I see the ugly.

It's in me.

Over the last week or so, I got tired - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired. It took everything in me to get up and even say hello to God without shaking my fist at the day. I wrote a ton, read a ton, memorized two tons, and, at the end of the week, still felt as though there was a ton more left to complete, memorize, and read for this week. In the midst of this week, to include the weekend, I got frustrated, upset, anxious, and flat out pissed off. I wanted to yell and throw something. I wanted to hit a wall. I needed to get out, and there's no refuge for me here. I wanted... I NEEDED to get away, and I couldn't, no matter how much my soul cried out out for a space for just myself and God.

The ugly is in me, and I don't like it!

I want what's good and right, and yet I do, say, and become what's not. I desire to be encouraging and thoughtful and encompassing, but I'm snippy, short, and selfish. I want so badly to be able to handle life well, and I feel like all that happened was this expertly designed facade popped up everywhere. Right words, right gestures, and even the rightly timed smile... expert, and that disgusts me.

The ugly is in me, and I can't be rid of it.

The ugly is built into my life - it is controlled and brought into place as the Holy Spirit becomes more dominant. I have a new master that requires allegiance of a different variety. I am no longer a slave to sin, Paul writes in Romans, but identified with Christ in his death AND resurrection. HOWEVER, the ugly is still there, and it fights with Christ in me regularly. Good thing this is an ongoing discussion in Spiritual Life (class), right?

The ugly is in me, but God is using it anyway.

Today, I was overcritical, harsh, and insensitive about some issues as I brought them before the Lord. So I flat out asked him, "Why am I here?" He told me I'm here because I listened to His voice. He prompted, nudged, and pushed me to be here because this moment is not for me.

Seriously?! I don't want my life to go this way so I can counsel or listen or be there for someone! This is ALL about me! 

Or is it?

Whose truth is being cemented in my heart? Whose name gets glory when I graduate, marry (or reverse those two - I'm okay with that), teach, preach, sing, lead, encourage, counsel, nurture, correct, console, write, produce, or simply just breathe in and out? Definitely not mine!

God, my Father in Heaven, Jesus, my big brother and Savior, and Holy Spirit, my friend and companion, are all glorious and worthy of praise for every amazing thing that happens in  my life. This experience isn't for me to live the good life - it's for my life to bring Him glory. No lie - sometimes you just want to say, "Leave me alone and grow up! Go to God because you're obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue!!"

So, here I am, going to God because I'm obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue. Please pray for me to find a strong Christian counselor. Pray for my healing. I read a comic based on "Footprints", and God tells the man, "The one set of footprints is when I carried you... the long marks are from when I pulled you, kicking and screaming." That's me in this current season, friends, kicking and screaming, but I know it's temporary in light of eternity. So, for now, the ugly is there, and I don't have a bow to wrap this up, but I have hope because where sin abounds, grace abounds even more.