I AM my sister's keeper

Right now, it's 5:55 AM, and I am listening to my youngest sister sleep. It's not really hard to miss as she snores quite loudly for most of the night. I, on the other hand, have not slept since about 3 or so due to being a light sleeper. I probably got 2 REM cycles in before I couldn't sleep through the noise anymore. This has been my trend since Saturday night. I'll go back to sleep in about an hour or so when I've finally reached an exhausted state.

My youngest sister was born with some brain damage, thus rendering her educationally and developmentally disabled. Over the years, we also discovered different life skills she would never have, such as driving a car or living on her own independently. She went through school, completed a certificate program through a local tech school, and even kept a couple jobs. Our family coped, compensated, compromised and sometimes coddled our way through the last thirty years.

Treya was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, and it came out of nowhere. One day, she just wasn't the same anymore, and it scared us almost to death. We were afraid it would actually kill her at one point. Since that time, her health has been a constant thought in my mind, predominantly because if something happens to mom and dad, she chose me as primary guardian. I'm up first.

I'm listening to my little sister, who we always called Midget, fight for her life every night. Since her diagnosis, Treya gained about 60 pounds. She was already a snorer, but now her weight, steroid-laden antipsychotic meds, and lack of really good, healthy sleep results in a lack of energy throughout the day and no desire to work toward a smaller weight. I listen, and I get concerned because when the noise stops, I stop and wait... will she breathe again? Her breaths are shallow and short, and I wonder... is that any better?

I'm on vacation from my everyday life - seminary classes, work, and learning to like Dallas, TX. I'm with my family in a timeshare condo sitting on a fold out sectional, listening to my little sister sleep, propped on pillows with a breathe right strip on her nose. I'm introspective, nervous, prayerful, wishful, upset, alone, and alert... hoping the noise doesn't stop, but wanting some relief. 

I can make suggestions while I'm here, and I can try to walk with her while I have the time, but the truth is I go back to Dallas in a few days a little fearful and still wondering. 

It's starting to get lighter outside, and Wednesday has already begun for some people. The rest of the family will stir in a couple hours, and I'll pray for enough focus to complete the homework for my online summer class. I'll laugh and smile, play with my niece and nephew, enjoy some time with my longest friend, and thank God it's only Wednesday. My oldest sister will arrive tonight, and she and I will share the downstairs with Treya. 

And I'll get a couple REM cycles in and then listen, praying for the noise to continue and for the strength to be there when it's my turn again. 

I love my sister. She laughs at all my dad's jokes, smiles at almost everyone at church, and constantly asks how you're doing. Her name is derivative of Estrella, which means star. She can light up a room, but don't think she won't burn red hot either! She loves music and all things Disney, and she's the baby - sometimes too much. We all love her and would die for her, but in the midst of all this, I have to remember one thing: I AM.

I AM is my sister's keeper. There is hope found in the arms of I AM because of all that he is. He is the healer, and he is Treya's refuge. She trusts the Lord, I believe, and desires to know him more. In light of that relationship, I AM is my refuge, too. I have to believe, in spite of my fear and concern, that God knows exactly what is necessary for Treya to be all he created her to be. He knows my part in her story, and he knows her part in his story.

Yeah, I'm nervous, especially because I have to acknowledge my parents are getting older. I'm a little scared because I'm carrying school debt and will be for some time, so what if she needs me sooner over later? Even more, what if something happens to me first? 

Yet, as Chris Tomlin wrote, "Be still, there is a healer...", "I lift my hands to believe again", and "you are faithful, God, forever". All these sentiments need to be a mantra for me, and my prayer is for that to happen. Fear, worry, and concern bombard in the darkness, but the morning always brings new hope and mercy. So, good morning, Wednesday. 

10 years ago...

"I have this huge desire for marriage.  I have this huge desire for a family.  I have a huge desire to minister to teens in high school.  I have this huge desire to travel.  I have this huge desire to sing in front of tons of people.  I have this huge desire to act.  I have this huge desire to make a difference in the world… especially entertainment.  I have this huge desire to coordinate an event so huge, the world will have to take notice of what God wants to do.  I have this huge desire to tell teens my mistakes so they don’t have to learn them the hard way.  I just… have such huge dreams in my head, and I don’t know how to make them reality."

I wrote this over ten years ago, when I began my season of Lost... pun intended.

I shared my life story recently with my spiritual formation group, and I realized a lot as I shared, or didn't share, aspects of my life. There are points I didn't bring up, but if you know me or read my previous entries, then you already know what I've walked through. I gave the seasons of my life TV show titles - Muppet Babies, The Cosby Show, The Wonder Years, Dawson's Creek, Living Single, Lost, and A Different World. Again, if you know me, you probably know where and when each season occurred. If you don't, it's not that hard to figure out.

Reading these aspirations in light of where I am and what I've learned about God's plan, I have questions now. Even more than making these dreams reality.... should they even be dreams? Should I even aspire for these things? Should I want any of these?

A few years ago, I was taught sin is allowing the "I want" statement and desires to dictate my life. Essentially, sin is me in the driver's seat, making sure I get what I want. Jesus tells us when we do this, we might actually get it, but it won't go with us when we die. These things here are our reward. But what do we do with those desires? They're there for a reason - biologically, there is support for marriage and family.  Intellectually, there is support for sharing mistakes and talking to a younger set of leaders so they can lead more effectively. There is also support for contributing to the entertainment industry because there is an innate need for creativity and expression, and humanity seeks ways to create aesthetic experiences. Egotistically, and completely full of humanity, there is support for wanting to make a difference and do something big in the world.

Of course, these are self-centered ramblings of a 23 year old girl that just graduated from college and is looking ahead at life. However, at 33, are they still self-centered ramblings, are they "pipe dreams", or are they still options that are available to me in the future?

This one doesn't wrap so pretty, guys, so no bow this time...

SN: I use the word struggle A LOT. Choosing to see life like my dad - challenges. Will I rise above or buckle under the weight of it all? That's why I'm here.

Bucket List

Race a car

Go to Japan

Go to Australia

Go to Greece

Voice a cartoon character 

Release one solo album

Speak before a huge group of people

Ropes course in the mountains

Stay on an island for a week or more

Live in Colorado

Live in Tennessee

Get married

Adopt kids

Open a school

Organize a large event

Strange... I don't see seminary on here... 

Alternatives - real or not?

Me: I'm sorry, God. I feel like an embarrassment to you.
HS: I know, but I am here with you in your pain. I understand how you feel.
Me: Then why don't you change it? You know how lonely I am.
HS: Because my hope is you will choose me over the alternative.
Me: Or you could just send him.
HS: Will you choose me over him? Will you actually seek me when he comes?

Today is Good Friday, and my first thoughts are about myself, my pain, my ache, and my suffering.

The crazy thing is, and this is what I believe about God, that I can honestly say my pain, ache, and suffering are valid. I can be open with the Lord and reveal how much this hurts, and He responds with patience (which I'll never completely understand, but am grateful for), grace (repeat earlier note), and love (ditto).

These hurts I deal with, in addition to the many hurts of my past and future and those of all humanity, are the reason for today. Initially, God faced a dilemma - humanity didn't choose Him over the alternative. The pain of overt, outright rejection is a lot, but it's multiplied when it comes from someone you love intensely. Our God, the only one who can heal his own broken heart, experienced this and knew there was only one way to resolve the issue.

So here's where I'm at:
Will I ever choose God if life starts to "go my way"?
If the things, people, and events I ask the Lord for actually occur, will I choose to praise or be arrogant?
Will I ever recognize the true gravity of His sacrifice?

Today, Good Friday, is a day of remembrance. Thinking about Jesus' request in the garden, we see he considered the alternative. He didn't want to die. The difference between Jesus and humanity is he didn't choose the alternative; he chose God. Remembering this definitely puts my suffering and my alternatives under a new lens. My prayer is next time, when given the choice, I'll realize it's not really a choice at all - my heart already belongs to God.

Will I ever get it right?
Will I ever see the truth?
Will I ever choose Him?

Yes, but only because Jesus got it right, IS the truth, and chose me first.

What's Best? Who Gets to Decide?

On the second day of February, I realized these things:

6 seminary classes 

5 hours of sleep a night

4 weeks of school have passed

3 crazy people in a Honda Fit is interesting

2 Passion conferences,

and a research topic due last night.

I know... I counted down from six on the second day, but that's where life is right now. I should be writing a paper on the mission of God and how it's revealed in a book of the bible. I probably need to pick a book to reflect and engage, but for now... I see a long day tomorrow. 

This semester looks, feels, sounds, and resounds within me very differently than last semester. I believe part of this is because I now understand life here in Dallas a little better. I do believe, though, that it's also because I am anxious. Wanting to speed through and walk into ministry, desiring to accelerate the dating process (without actually dating), hoping to finally establish a home that has my roots at the foundation... I'm finding myself looking forward often, desiring what's ahead instead of resting where I am currently. 

In my present state, I struggle to find the bow. I feel a bit like a wanderer, not quite having a place to rest, and I struggle with understanding why this path. I'm not afraid like I was before, and I'm not skeptical of what could happen. I'm doing what I do best: pushing forward only to find I'm overstepping God's boundaries. Patience, peace, rest, contentment... the more I long for them, the more elusive they become in light of the situations that increase and fortify their presence in my life. I am not ungrateful - God's grace is overabundant in my life. I am not lacking a thankful heart - his presence and providence are perfect in every way.

I am still human, allowing flesh to dictate aspects of life. Today, however, I repented to God for my arrogance and pride, simply for thinking he doesn't know what's best for me. Not only did I think that, I also believed he doesn't want to give me what's best for me, as though I know what's best. Ultimately, as Ben Stuart said, I didn't trust him to be a good dad. The struggle is real: I want to be married, have a home, fill it with kids, and teach in a ministry while leading worship and assisting others produce and make their dreams a reality.  I want to work full time and finish this degree, getting married in the process. I want to somehow have enough money to pay my students loans quickly, purchase some land with my husband, and create a safe haven, not separate from reality, but a biblical way to live in reality, continuing to engage culture and yet bringing biblical, sound doctrine into real life. 

Is this what's best for me?

Do I get to choose what's best for me?

Do ALL of my decisions affect what's best for me?

Will my decisions delay what's best for me?

Not completely fleshed out due to tiredness...

Pieces

Javier Colon - Stitch By Stitch (let it play in the background while you read)

Blue and black, heart torn out,
You uncover what's beneath my skin
There and back, there's no doubt, your touch is my medicine

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

I believe I live in a broken state. Not necessarily contrite, but seemingly very broken. I feel like life is harder than I expected being here in Dallas, and I sometimes wonder if anyone else really understands this feeling. Intellectually, I know there are many students here that struggle with being away from family and close friends. They live life knowing all they can do to get through the day is remind themselves that God is who He says He is, and there is a definite purpose to this season in life.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch 
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

What you say, without words, resuscitates what was numb inside
So repair me, every thread of me, 'cause you're bringing me back to life

For me, though, there is a lingering question: Will you take everything that's been broken and put it back together, Lord? I'm living half a country (and half a day's trip) from those that know me most and best. I wonder on a regular basis if this is really where I'm supposed to be right now. I am already unable to meet expectations of and struggling to fairly set boundaries for others. I see all that is wrong in the world before I see what is beautiful. More than anything, issues that were once dealt with and dead seem to have risen once again in my life.

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now stitch, by stitch

I'm still afraid of falling, somehow it's takin' over me
Don't ever let me let it go...

There and back, there's no doubt, your touch makes me whole again

In this moment, I have to stand firmly and securely in God's ability to heal and make a beautiful piece of work out of the fragments of my life. If I doubt His hand in my life, then the fear of falling becomes a definite reality. If I forget His goodness, I will waver in my faithfulness.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch

Here is my brokenness, my shame, my pain, and my need.
Dear God, Your presence in my life is unmistakable; only You could repair me before, and only You can fix me now.
Yet, I still walk in insecurity, trying to cover my open wounds.
In You, there is peace and rest for my soul.
My scars, reopened and exposed, heal only by Your hand.
I will be who You created me to be; as You mend and stitch, You form Your son and His character.

Phil 1:4-6
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Praying, as He puts me back together, each stitch solidifies who I am as a child of God in my mind, emotions, relationships, and ministry.

An Introverted Seminarian... If That Makes Any Sense

Over the last few weeks, seminary has been a new life and learning experience. So much of what happens in my everyday life is far removed from what I'm used to at home. Atlanta is covered in fall colors, and Dallas stays warm and... covered in concrete. I'm used to living life laid back, coming and going when I please, unfettered unless I choose to be. I now experience life in a small radius at a slow moving (read walking) pace. Home is still in Marietta, and I happen to live in Dallas.

The community in which I reside gathered together for dinner this evening. It's our fourth dinner together, and I usually appreciate the time as a break from studying, a chance to build relationships, and an opportunity to eat some really fantastic food. However, tonight was more difficult, and I came back upstairs within minutes. See, I went out last night, and there were a lot of people. Two days back to back... a little overwhelming.

Sitting on the floor with my plate, I wrote a paper on introversion and leadership in the church. I know I am a "social introvert", so I'm able to handle social events to an extent and even seem outgoing. Yet, after the noise fades away, it's in the solitude and silence that I am free and at peace.

How does life look for an introvert in seminary? Well, on some days, it looks like a genuine smile and interest in your day. These days usually include laughter, lots of questions, and possibly hand gestures. Other times, it looks like a genuine smile accompanied by a soft tone and a hug. Then, there are days when the wall is holding me up, and my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. This day might also produce a wave or a nod. Bottom out days... our encounters will probably be quiet and brief.

It's not that I don't care... because I honestly do with a genuine concern.
It's not that I don't like you... unless I genuinely don't like you (which takes a LOT of effort for me).
Its' not that I am anti-social... I like to laugh and enjoy hearing about your story. Everyone's story has value.

I just can't be on all the time.

This is a constant struggle for me. I'm still insecure in my new environment, and I know I can say and do things that will harm people when I don't think before I speak or act. I walk around in a constant tense state, trying to be encouraging and speaking words that I won't regret later. However, I also know this isn't healthy for me in any aspect.