Pieces

Javier Colon - Stitch By Stitch (let it play in the background while you read)

Blue and black, heart torn out,
You uncover what's beneath my skin
There and back, there's no doubt, your touch is my medicine

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

I believe I live in a broken state. Not necessarily contrite, but seemingly very broken. I feel like life is harder than I expected being here in Dallas, and I sometimes wonder if anyone else really understands this feeling. Intellectually, I know there are many students here that struggle with being away from family and close friends. They live life knowing all they can do to get through the day is remind themselves that God is who He says He is, and there is a definite purpose to this season in life.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch 
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

What you say, without words, resuscitates what was numb inside
So repair me, every thread of me, 'cause you're bringing me back to life

For me, though, there is a lingering question: Will you take everything that's been broken and put it back together, Lord? I'm living half a country (and half a day's trip) from those that know me most and best. I wonder on a regular basis if this is really where I'm supposed to be right now. I am already unable to meet expectations of and struggling to fairly set boundaries for others. I see all that is wrong in the world before I see what is beautiful. More than anything, issues that were once dealt with and dead seem to have risen once again in my life.

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now stitch, by stitch

I'm still afraid of falling, somehow it's takin' over me
Don't ever let me let it go...

There and back, there's no doubt, your touch makes me whole again

In this moment, I have to stand firmly and securely in God's ability to heal and make a beautiful piece of work out of the fragments of my life. If I doubt His hand in my life, then the fear of falling becomes a definite reality. If I forget His goodness, I will waver in my faithfulness.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch

Here is my brokenness, my shame, my pain, and my need.
Dear God, Your presence in my life is unmistakable; only You could repair me before, and only You can fix me now.
Yet, I still walk in insecurity, trying to cover my open wounds.
In You, there is peace and rest for my soul.
My scars, reopened and exposed, heal only by Your hand.
I will be who You created me to be; as You mend and stitch, You form Your son and His character.

Phil 1:4-6
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Praying, as He puts me back together, each stitch solidifies who I am as a child of God in my mind, emotions, relationships, and ministry.

An Introverted Seminarian... If That Makes Any Sense

Over the last few weeks, seminary has been a new life and learning experience. So much of what happens in my everyday life is far removed from what I'm used to at home. Atlanta is covered in fall colors, and Dallas stays warm and... covered in concrete. I'm used to living life laid back, coming and going when I please, unfettered unless I choose to be. I now experience life in a small radius at a slow moving (read walking) pace. Home is still in Marietta, and I happen to live in Dallas.

The community in which I reside gathered together for dinner this evening. It's our fourth dinner together, and I usually appreciate the time as a break from studying, a chance to build relationships, and an opportunity to eat some really fantastic food. However, tonight was more difficult, and I came back upstairs within minutes. See, I went out last night, and there were a lot of people. Two days back to back... a little overwhelming.

Sitting on the floor with my plate, I wrote a paper on introversion and leadership in the church. I know I am a "social introvert", so I'm able to handle social events to an extent and even seem outgoing. Yet, after the noise fades away, it's in the solitude and silence that I am free and at peace.

How does life look for an introvert in seminary? Well, on some days, it looks like a genuine smile and interest in your day. These days usually include laughter, lots of questions, and possibly hand gestures. Other times, it looks like a genuine smile accompanied by a soft tone and a hug. Then, there are days when the wall is holding me up, and my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. This day might also produce a wave or a nod. Bottom out days... our encounters will probably be quiet and brief.

It's not that I don't care... because I honestly do with a genuine concern.
It's not that I don't like you... unless I genuinely don't like you (which takes a LOT of effort for me).
Its' not that I am anti-social... I like to laugh and enjoy hearing about your story. Everyone's story has value.

I just can't be on all the time.

This is a constant struggle for me. I'm still insecure in my new environment, and I know I can say and do things that will harm people when I don't think before I speak or act. I walk around in a constant tense state, trying to be encouraging and speaking words that I won't regret later. However, I also know this isn't healthy for me in any aspect.

Ugly

Ugly

Two months in... only approx. 46 more if all goes well, and I finish this program on time.

Two months in... and I fight to stay even one more day.

Two months in... and I see the ugly.

It's in me.

Over the last week or so, I got tired - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired. It took everything in me to get up and even say hello to God without shaking my fist at the day. I wrote a ton, read a ton, memorized two tons, and, at the end of the week, still felt as though there was a ton more left to complete, memorize, and read for this week. In the midst of this week, to include the weekend, I got frustrated, upset, anxious, and flat out pissed off. I wanted to yell and throw something. I wanted to hit a wall. I needed to get out, and there's no refuge for me here. I wanted... I NEEDED to get away, and I couldn't, no matter how much my soul cried out out for a space for just myself and God.

The ugly is in me, and I don't like it!

I want what's good and right, and yet I do, say, and become what's not. I desire to be encouraging and thoughtful and encompassing, but I'm snippy, short, and selfish. I want so badly to be able to handle life well, and I feel like all that happened was this expertly designed facade popped up everywhere. Right words, right gestures, and even the rightly timed smile... expert, and that disgusts me.

The ugly is in me, and I can't be rid of it.

The ugly is built into my life - it is controlled and brought into place as the Holy Spirit becomes more dominant. I have a new master that requires allegiance of a different variety. I am no longer a slave to sin, Paul writes in Romans, but identified with Christ in his death AND resurrection. HOWEVER, the ugly is still there, and it fights with Christ in me regularly. Good thing this is an ongoing discussion in Spiritual Life (class), right?

The ugly is in me, but God is using it anyway.

Today, I was overcritical, harsh, and insensitive about some issues as I brought them before the Lord. So I flat out asked him, "Why am I here?" He told me I'm here because I listened to His voice. He prompted, nudged, and pushed me to be here because this moment is not for me.

Seriously?! I don't want my life to go this way so I can counsel or listen or be there for someone! This is ALL about me! 

Or is it?

Whose truth is being cemented in my heart? Whose name gets glory when I graduate, marry (or reverse those two - I'm okay with that), teach, preach, sing, lead, encourage, counsel, nurture, correct, console, write, produce, or simply just breathe in and out? Definitely not mine!

God, my Father in Heaven, Jesus, my big brother and Savior, and Holy Spirit, my friend and companion, are all glorious and worthy of praise for every amazing thing that happens in  my life. This experience isn't for me to live the good life - it's for my life to bring Him glory. No lie - sometimes you just want to say, "Leave me alone and grow up! Go to God because you're obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue!!"

So, here I am, going to God because I'm obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue. Please pray for me to find a strong Christian counselor. Pray for my healing. I read a comic based on "Footprints", and God tells the man, "The one set of footprints is when I carried you... the long marks are from when I pulled you, kicking and screaming." That's me in this current season, friends, kicking and screaming, but I know it's temporary in light of eternity. So, for now, the ugly is there, and I don't have a bow to wrap this up, but I have hope because where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. 

Here am I, send me?

Greetings and salutations from nice and warm (translate: stinking hot!) Dallas, TX :) 
Yup, I'm off on a new adventure halfway across the country, living on a hope and a prayer. Literally.

Today's post is about trust.
The End.

Seriously, I feel like I have lost the understanding of trust somewhere along this path I now walk in life. I'm in a city I don't know, with a few familiar faces, without a car, without a job, and wondering if this crazy plan in my head will actually get me through the whole school year. Honestly, I wake up, thinking, "Dear Lord God, am I dreaming?" When He says, "Not even close," my next question is, "Dear Lord God, what was I thinking?" This was even more apparent when I talked with my apartment mate (not to be confused with roommate) last night. "Wow," she said, wide eyed, "you really moved fast in choosing to come here. Your family didn't have any warning or time." My response was, "I felt a peace about coming, and I needed to get out to appreciate where I was at the time." Man, oh man, I'll take a humid 89 degrees over a dry 102 any day!

I did stop and pause to deliberate her response. I'm taking time to do so now as I sit at a table I don't own, looking at a couch I don't own, out onto a street I just learned the name of three weeks ago. And my conclusion is this: I'm here because I trust. I trust the voice of the Lord when he spoke to me and said He would provide everything I need; all I have to do is be where He wants me to be at the time He tells me to be there. Why did I move on July 31, almost a full month before class starts? To be where I'm supposed to be at the right time. Simply because of one moment of obedience, trusting a crazy word that kept me from working an extra three weeks to make a little more money, God used me to be a bridge, a scout, a little bit of a hoarder, and a friend. 

I have met some of the nicest, generous people, and I have experienced some amazing gatherings at different churches. I have prayed more, read more, studied more, questioned more, and relinquished more in these three weeks than in the last few months combined. In my arrogance, if I stayed home and made more money, I would have missed out on all these blessings, including a new friend from Newnan that understands my GA references :)

I trust you, Lord, for your hand is upon me. I am grateful and thankful for a God that is big enough to make the heavens and prop his feet on them, yet still cares about the smallest pain in my soul. I thank you, Father, for your yes and your no, for your "I love you" and your "Now, daughter...." I believe You continue to provide in the most mysterious ways, and even now Your plan is coming to pass in my life. I am Yours, and You are mine. 

Hopefully, I won't neglect the blog as long as I have, and I hope to be more fluid in my writing as time moves forward. Orientation is on Thursday, and classes for my second, and prayerfully last, educational degree program start on Monday. So, stay tuned, duckies, to see where this ships heads next.