Well, welcome to 2011!

Happy New Year (according to the calendar) and welcome to 2011!
Does that strike anyone else as odd - just seeing the number 2011? I mean, I knew I would live a long life, but I don't think I put together my increase in years and a chronological calendar in high school. I knew I graduated class of 1999, but for some reason, living in 2011 didn't even enter my mind. Maybe it's just me.

Anyway...
Last week, on Wednesday, Pastor Sheila let a study in the office asking us to make 3 goals for 2011. They weren't just regular resolutions - these were very specific goals.
1. How we would grow spiritually and why
2. How we would change job performance and why
3. How we would change our attitudes and why

Well, I know God has been calling me to step up my game, and I had been VERY reluctant to do so. Mostly because it's scary sometimes when it's just you and God. Not that He's scary, but the real you is scary and really hard to take in sometimes, especially when you don't know or don't deal with areas that others allude to in conversation. God brings those things up as well, and it's a lot.

So, for this study, I sat in the quiet of the church office (it was just me by around 5 or so), took that hour, and said, "God, what are the answers to these questions?"

This is what He said:
1. I am to walk out of my addiction to comfort, just like an addict to drugs or alcohol. I also will be uncomfortable. Because of my disobedience, it's now "I asked before, and you didn't listen, so this discomfort will come, and I need you to be obedient despite it."

2. "Serve the best wine at the end". I heard this from my volunteer team captains the whole weekend I volunteered for Passion 2011. It was the cry of their heart and soon became mine as well. Just like Jesus in John 2, we are to serve the best at the end. God knows at the end of day 3, I was grateful to be going home. Our team just stood on our feet for two and a half days for anywhere from 9 -14 hours. It was painful, and there were some moments when I wanted to cry. However, I saw the faces of the students, and I smiled and greeted and high fived and loved on them because I knew they were tired by day 3. It was a honor to serve them, and it is an honor to serve my employers. So, when it's 5 PM, and I've been there since 8, and still have 3 more hours to go, I want to give all God has poured into me the whole time. How's that for countercultural? :)

3. No longer can I insult God with false ignorance. Why would I ever think I could get away with lying and deception? He's not all about that at all, sees right through it, and totally calls me on it! I know what I'm supposed to be doing and when to do it. I know the thoughts I have and when they don't bless the Lord. I know when my words are negative towards others. Pastor Sheila said the one thing that scares her the most is being so deceived that she doesn't make it into heaven. Day by day, that's becoming a scarier thought for myself. BUT hear me out: I don't want to be religious about this either. I WANT a relationship with Jesus. It's my part of the covenant that's not being upheld, and it's back to goal #1 - my discomfort will bring Him glory.

He wants us to be uncomfortable so we have no choice but to pour out and serve He that is the best wine. When we do, we can't pretend it was all us! No, it is JESUS we carry, serve, and pour. Then we will no longer walk in deception, but see clearly it is the Lord who receives glory.

This week, the office is closed until tomorrow (Thursday), and I am still fighting my flesh on the regular about just stopping and listening. However, today I fight with new fervor because I am rested, trusting God in areas where I hadn't the last two days. My discomfort is simply a testimony of His glory and favor in my life. He continues to provide from surprising sources, and I am grateful indeed.

So, what are your goals?
How will you choose to carry the name Jesus in 2011?
What discomfort are experiencing now that you know will bring Him glory?

Waiting

Man, oh man... you know God is talking to you when you have to listen to the same sermon more than once. Tomorrow, part of my day at Liberty will be listening to Louie Giglio's Unwrapped sermon. Too much information to just hear it once.

What are you waiting for?

Personally, I'm waiting for answers to prayers regarding transitions, changes, and new seasons.
I'm waiting for physical evidence of supernatural victories.

Basically, I'm waiting for a baby.
First, slow down. It's not that kind of baby.

Louie said something so profound last night: God promises, a pregnancy (time of waiting) occurs, and then He delivers... every single time.

The month of December is my chance to find Jesus among the rhema and logos in my life. It's a chronological reminder of Jesus in me. I'm afraid I've missed the essence of the song "Your Love is Extravagant" over the last few months: "Your love is extravagant/Your friendship, so intimate/I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace/Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place/Spread wide in the arms of Christ is a love that covers sin/No greater love have I ever known that you consider me your friend/You've captured my heart again". I've missed the scent of His presence, the feel of His arms around me, and the gentle sound of His voice in my soul.

In September, I visited my mentor and received a word from the Lord. Since then, I personally feel Hell has chased me down day after day. To others, they would call me a wimp, lightweight, or weak, but to me, these events are life altering. Not because they're huge, but because they revolutionize, or renew, my mind.

Two more recent events are still making me change my words and thoughts. On the same day my wallet was stolen, a check was cashed in my name. I never knew about this check as it was never deposited. About two weeks ago, I looked at my bank statement, and there was a return item for $300 and a return item fee of $12 posted. Since then, I've been dealing with the bank, opening new accounts, getting a new debit card, and dealing with the police.

On Saturday, one of my kids died. When I say "my kids", it's usually a teen or child I've watched grow up at Liberty. She was in high school and needed a new heart, but she didn't make it to her surgery. Two deaths in two weeks.

What am I waiting for?

I'm waiting for answers to questions. I'm waiting for the next step to be illuminated. I'm waiting for the go ahead to move forward.

In Luke 12, Jesus talks about waiting and being ready. We're not just waiting idly, but we're working and preparing for Him, His word, and His return.

Are you waiting in a state of readiness? I know I haven't been. I've been waiting in a state of laziness. I've taken the word of "Don't fight - just go with it" way too literally. It's so literal, I don't even fight some of my words, attitudes, or actions - I just let them go, too.

I can't do that anymore - God is still expecting me to be a mirror, a moon if you will, reflecting His son, and His son is a fighter.

What are you waiting for? And what state of mind are you in while you wait?

I'm waiting for a baby God promised me earlier this year. Even though I know He intentionally withheld some of my heart's desires to test my heart, I will continue to wait in hope and faith, knowing this baby will be born.

What baby has God promised you? Will you be Sarah, trying to make a baby come forth, or Hannah, continuing to wait and trust the Lord?

Maybe some Beth Moore tomorrow... didn't get as far in the study as I wanted to :)

Working Through It All

Amber died on Friday.
She and I, along with a couple other people, did everything we could together for part of our high school time.
She graduated in 1998, and we lost touch, but we still had mutual friends.
I talked to her on the phone a couple years ago, and she and I talked about finding some time to meet up.
We never did.
I knew she wasn't doing great, but she was 30.
Am I old enough to bury my girl?
The most vivid memory I have of her is from my junior year/her senior year.
She and I sang a duet for a talent show: His Eye Is On the Sparrow from the Sister Act II soundtrack, done by Lauryn Hill and Tonya Blount.
We knew we could sing, but it wasn't like them.
Mrs. Plummer helped us out. and we did our best.
I remember telling Chaz, "Sorry, but I'm singing with Amber."
I turned down "Slow Jam" by Usher and Monica.
I'm glad, though - it turned into one of my best memories.
We worked on that song, and we sang it, and it wasn't that great.
But it was so much fun.

She's gone, and I didn't say anything.
I never told her how much Jesus changed my life.
I never mentioned that Jesus' love never fails me.

I wish I had said something.
Not to get her saved, but to let her know it wasn't my love I showed her in high school.
It wasn't my compassion that caused me to invite her over, to chill with my family, to sing and dance with me, or to hang out on the weekends.
Just so she would know there was someone that loved her more than I, or anyone else, ever could.

So many songs running through my head: "Don't Waste Your Life" and "Go Hard" from Lecrae's Rebel, Israel's whole "Love God, Love People", and much more. Working through it all...

No bow yet...

What next, God?

I know my title sounds a little harsh and sarcastic, but it's not. I promise.
It's an inquiry, a question stemming from curiosity and maybe a little paranoia.

Let's recap:
Week 1: taxes, glasses, Once Upon a Mattress, Project Dance, and car repairs
Week 2: meditation and pain
Week 3: clarity, confusion, CDs, and "Car, meet your new home... the garage" (also new car for the younger sis and start of grad school for older sis)
Week 4: Dancing, painting, the start of 500 folders, and partying/worshiping with 116 Clique (for real, shawty!)
Week 5: Dull as anything... until Friday.

Do you know the first thing that runs through your mind when something valuable is taken?
Here's what went through mine: "You're kidding, right?"

Have you ever felt superhuman? Like the things that affect other people can't possibly affect you? Until you realize you're human, too... just like everyone else, you're susceptible to bad attitudes, pimples, aches, pains, and bad decisions.

My wallet was stolen on Friday afternoon. The bank called me and asked if I made a couple purchases that afternoon. Think about my days: starting around 8:15 until whenever, Tuesday - Friday, I'm basically posted up at Liberty Church. I told them, "No, I've been at work all day."
Evidently, my wallet made its way out of my purse and into the hands of someone in need. It hurts... there were important things in there. Nothing that would make anyone else sad, but things held onto for different reasons.

I replaced my license, got some money to get me through the weekend til I can get a temporary debit card on Monday, and also about to file a fraud report for my credit report as well. (Getting Mom/my personal paralegal to help me with that.)

And all I can say is, "What next, God?"

Where are you taking me?
What is this new season?
Why was I so violently thrust into this new beginning?

Yeah, I have a lot of questions, but I'm not asking why me. I know why me: because there is a greater plan and more in-depth meaning to this that anyone can comprehend here on earth. God is moving things in the spiritual realm that I couldn't even imagine possible. There's this saying God gave me when I ventured into something new a couple years ago: Everything I ever thought was impossible is now possible, for nothing is impossible for God.

He said become what I need you to be. He has placed a standard before me; He has put expectations on the table, and He waits for them to be met. If it's not done in His timing, He brings about the changes to put it back on course.

So, my response: bring it. The questions I had about all these different experiences over the last few weeks sum up into one big question: "What is your will, God?"

Don't fight it; just go with it.

If our God is for us, then who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Week 6, bring it. I'm not fighting people or circumstances or things - it's between my Father and my enemy.

My Father always wins.

Who am I?

This morning, Pastor Sheila asked us to describe who we are in the kingdom. She asked, "If I was going to pick fruit from you, what would it be?" Everyone bears fruit -whether a little or a lot, ripe or overripe or underdeveloped.

I called myself "the voice of reason". Others called it wisdom (uhh....). I know people come to me for counsel, and I pray I encourage them as well as assist them in processing and all that. I also have people in my life that, when they let me know what's up, if I feel hesitant or iffy about something, they're at least open to hearing it... sometimes.

Well, what happens when that voice... isn't able to speak?
I don't even know if that makes sense.

I hope the people in my life know that I truly love them dearly, and I don't want to offend or judge.

When do you move from "the voice of reason" to "control freak"? How much am I really willing to trust God to do?

I want you to see the truth. I want you to know there really is only one way to the Father. I haven't figured it all out. I don't want you to walk that road. I don't want you to even venture down that detour.

I don't have it all together, and I'm FAR from perfect. I'm not Jesus. I can't save you. I can't make you see, understand, live, or conceive. I can't control you, even though I want to. I can't dictate, mandate, require, or force.

I have to trust the precious Holy Spirit to speak to your heart, bring conviction, and speak truth.

I'm not always the vessel He chooses to use.

How much do I trust you, Father? Even when I see those I love heading toward destruction or leaning away from you? Is it my place to stop them or do I let go? Do I say something, or do I refrain?

You told me, "Go with it. Don't fight it."
So, Your kingdom come, Father, and Your will be done.

Those I love - I will continue to pray and will say what He wants me to say.

Am I the "voice of reason" or wise person others perceive me to be?

The best definition is not who you say you are, but how others define you.

Wisdom in this situation - trust the Father. He knows.

The Next 5 weeks... began yesterday

So, I love how God says something, and it totally changes your perspective.
"The next 6 weeks of your life is going to bring some things. Don't fight it; just go with it."

Week 1: car needs to be fixed, tax payments set up, glasses break resulting in contacts and new glasses, reached a new place in Singles Worship, go to see "Once Upon A Mattress" in which my cousin (who is gay) plays a gay man, realized I'm not relevant to anyone under 21 anymore, went to Centennial Park and watched some amazing dancers and some amazing worshipers with dance experience and expertise, realized not everyone (or animal) is going to like me, attended Liberty Church on Sun AM and Passion City Church in the PM with family time in the middle.

To most, nothing overly shocking. I mean, I'm still alive, still have a home, still have all my limbs, and still even look cute :)

What do you possibly have for week 2, Father?
A friend that loves Jesus and has such a beautiful heart for others... practicing Buddhist mediation. Also, the lovely weather change in GA is messing with my sinus cavities. That's just day 1.

I'm also only allowed to read Song of Solomon, Romans, Hebrews, James, Jude, and memorize 5 specific chapters - Rm 12, Gal 5, Eph 6, and recap Is 61 & 1 Cor 13. I'm also reading with PCC's Journey to 515.

I have certain physical things to do everyday, and I have a certain amount of water to drink daily.

Apparently, I am now "fasting". I don't really mind saying this since Emily's really the only one that reads this anyway :)

The crazy part is I look forward to everything that's coming. I know God hadn't prepared me, I would've freaked out about so many things in the last week. But I realized God has been speaking to me about a couple things already. I don't have to justify my heart for teens and young adults. He's calling me to a new way to minister to those he places on my heart. Just like with my car, taxes, and glasses - no, I'm not out of debt, but my priorities are lining up according to His desire. He is setting me up for success, and I trust my Father to provide for me. Even this friend that is trying something new in meditation... well, I'm still working through that. I guess my response is PLEASE BE MEDITATING ON THE WORD!!!

Anyway, reading with PCC is so great, and the scripture for this week is just right. I love how the body of Christ can walk together, even though we are in different buildings and places. So, here we go:

Isaiah 40:1-2, 8
Comfort, oh comfort my people, says your God.
Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem,
but also make it very clear
That she has served her sentence,
that her sin is taken care of - forgiven!
She's been punished enough and more than enough,
and now it's over and done with.
True, the grass withers and the wildflowers fade,
but our God's Word stands firm and forever. (The Message)

The next 5 weeks will contain some things that will probably send my head reeling. I will more than likely experience something mind-blowing, gut-wrenching, or just jaw-dropping.

And through those things, I am in a place where I can go to my Father boldly, I can be affirmed in my faith through the Holy Spirit, and I can laugh or cry with my Savior, brother, redeemer, and friend. The best part is His Word stands firm and forever. This declaration of forgiveness will always cover me, and in return, I give my life in allegiance and obedience.

It makes me think of "King Arthur". BTW, I really dig this movie, and not because of the dark, brooding, yet extremely handsome Ioan Gruffudd. Moving on... the men that followed Arthur went to the death, proclaiming him as their leader. They remained faithful, no matter the fear they battled or fury they felt.

Over the next 5 weeks, God and I will travel a path only He knows how to navigate. I choose to be faithful, no matter what fear I face or frustration I experience.

I am forgiven, that is eternal truth, and I lift my eyes, expectation, and hands to the living God.

Do what you will.

Becoming Who You Are

Everyone tries to be better –

A better person,

A better mother or father,

A better employer.

It’s our goal, our highest aspiration,

It’s what we live for.

But we never achieve it.

There’s always someone that’s better –

More stuff, more money,

More control, more power,

More popular, more loved.

But we keep pushing for it,

Striving to become better.

We believe in becoming better people,

We become who we were meant to be.

CEO, president, American Idol,

Best teacher, most successful salesperson,

Most friendly, most likely to be famous.

So many situations, and we allow them to

Become our identity,

Define who we are,

Tell the world “this is me”.

But, honestly, are we really better?

Or just more experienced?

Do we really learn from these things

Or are they just markers in the race?

Did you ever stop to think that

Becoming who you are

Is becoming who I AM is?

I AM is holy

I AM is a sacrifice.

I AM is love.

There is so much more

To who you are

Than these titles and goals.

Father, help us see and know

That becoming who we are

Is all about becoming who

YOU ARE.