A Recent Epiphany

Hi to anyone that periodically checks here. I'm still here, bogged down with stuff, but God is slowly alleviating the extra weight, literally and figuratively.

So, I had a moment of clarity earlier this week, and it really messed with my head. It's simply this: if the person I am with truly loves God first, then he won't ask me to change who God created me to be. First, a disclaimer: this is not a slam or whatever to my past. It's a lesson learned, and I'm grateful for the chance to learn it.

Moving on...
I realized this as I was on my home from singing this weekend. The trigger was a question, "what is the biggest difference between your last relationship and the next one you enter?" I paused for a moment before responding, "In this new relationship, I don't believe I will wonder if God is his priority. It'll be evident in the way he walks, talks, and behaves toward others. He'll be a natural servant, and he'll worship without hesitation because he recognizes the value of the gift." I stopped for a moment and started to cry because very few of the guys I liked in the past resembled that statement. What did I see that had me so distracted? For a couple of them, it was totally their looks. They were gorgeous on the outside, but just dark on the inside. Others, their hearts were in the right place, but there was still a deep-seeded selfishness that dictated their decisions. Then, there were those who were in church, but it was their parents' faith or a watered down version of true relationship that led them. I asked myself, "when did I become that girl that gave up who she was to stay in a relationship?" Then I realized this truth: it happened when I stopped trusting God for a man who lives for and loves God more than anything.

Today, I read this in a devo I found:

What will married life be like if your faith in Christ is just tolerated? mocked? sabotaged? resented?

Wouldn’t you rather go through life with someone who will pray for you? pray with you? go to church with you? read the Scripture with you? sing hymns with you? receive Holy Communion with you? be a true partner in raising your children as Christians?

Please don't miss the point. It's about who you are in Christ. There is security in the actions of the last paragraph. There is a sense of freedom when you know you'll be challenged to grow, but never challenged to compromise your faith. I don't want to be simply tolerated; I want to share my faith with him. Ladies, when you express your expectations, and you get the feeling he's patting you on the head and saying "bless your heart" on the inside, trust and believe you're being tolerated, not accepted.

So I pose a rhetorical question to be answered in your personal journal, diary, or whatever: what will be different in the future because of what you experienced before?

In my life, this looks like a relationship that carries a constant challenge to stay committed to The Lord and my mate. It is one that allows personal passions to be acceptable, embraced, and encouraged on both sides! It is one that respects time and devotion. More than anything, it is a shared relationship - three cords, not easily broken.

72 Days For Freedom

I am 27 million
My face is one that looks like so many others,
Suffering from hunger, hopelessness, helplessness, and hurt.
I am 1 million
I traveled through your city on my way to somewhere, wondering if someone anywhere would see me and cry out because I could not.
I am 100,000
I live on the street only a few miles from you, near your job, near your church.
I watch as you cross the street, praying you see the desperation when your eyes meet mine.
I am 500
I sat next to you on the bus, on the train.
I rode in the cab you took just a few hours ago.
You even smiled at me when you walked away to live life.
I am 1
I am 1 girl, the one God placed on your heart earlier tonight.
I am the 1 heart, the one face you saw when you heard about 27 million.
I am God's heart, and I have a name.
One day, I will no longer be 27million.
I will just be me, free in Him, blessed by Him, loved by Him...
Because I become a girl to you, no longer a number but a face.

LIFT

Reflections from "LIFT", a worship collective held this spring:

Wow... not even done yet, and God has done such a crazy work in me! From Louie's opening to Crowder last night to Christy Nockels (whom I love as an artist and woman of God) to Chris Tomlin's heart for us as worship leaders... Tears, laughter, smiles, prayers, conviction and encouragement - I am just in awe of my Father in Heaven.
Living life out of my identity, not my calling.
Maintaining a posture of humility and remembering God gives us a response ability to respond to His presence in order for others to see Him magnifies when we worship through music.
Beginning new chapters is a beautiful thing and brings such joy (props to David Crowder for the acoustic late night).
Worship and justice really are the perfect marriage and have been for centuries. Now I know why adoption is such a huge issue for me. Worshippers naturally want life to reflect worship, and injustice is the antithesis of such. (totally wanted to ask Chris Tomlin to lay hands on me, but I figured that would be awkward)
My heart is softened and changing as I go through the hours of this amazing collective, and all I can say is thank you, Lord.
Realizing a couple things about me:
I have not because I ask not.
I look forward to the strong hand on my back and thank God he's showing me grace in this area.
Already worship and justice are wed in my heart, and now to convey to the world.
I love hearing the voice of the church rise and make declarations of love and worship to an Almighty king.
It's my responsibility to "tune my guitar" - I have to get serious about what I do. Much respect for my daughter for doing just that - so proud of my Naji.

Father, my prayer is for your will. Help me hit the bullseye, knowing you will take care of the outer rings. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Joy AND Peace?!

Romans 15:13 says the following - "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

I read this a few minutes ago, and I was like, "Hold up". A couple questions popped up, and I think I need some help with these.

Question 1: how do you have hope if you don't have joy AND peace?
Question 2: how do we help others see this truth in their lives when they just want to get through another day?
Question 3: can you have one without the other?

I have a desire to see those I love walk with the Lord. I desire to see them trust God with everything, no matter what they're going through in life. My prayer is they walk in hope, defined as God given joy and peace, so what is my part in this process?

To be continued :)

Thanks for growing with me!

Life at 30

It's been some time since I've written here. It's actually been a while since I've been inspired to write about anything... and that is why this is such a big deal.

Don't be concerned - I'm not depressed or whatever. I've just become very complacent. Over the course of the year, I have let go of what is important to embrace what does not matter. I let lazy and shallow become adjectives that describe me instead of hard working and deep. I stopped pursuing life and all its craziness because I wanted things to be easy.

No sermons, no witty quips, and no thought provoking... thoughts. Just me, baring the lifeless drought in my soul.

2011 is almost over - do I dare to end serving the beat wine, or will I allow my flesh to rule over me for another day? Prayer is welcome at this time.

Life at 30 is very different for me on the inside. I imagined growth, promotion, and expansion. So, now, I choose to look at my life, examine it through the Holy Spirit, and ask myself, "are you willing to truly let go?"

My desire is the rest of my 30th year does not reflect these last few months. I'm lost, but His love hasn't given up yet.

They say life begins at 30 - I'm inclined to think they're right.

Dream B.I.G.

I tell you what: It's crazy how you walk a path, thinking you're all alone, but then you read a book or have a conversation, and it's exactly what you needed to hear and think about at the moment. Jayme Hightower, meet Jentezen Franklin.

Anyway, I'm reading this book and writing in a journal (sort of), and the question comes up:
What dreams are in your heart that only God can make possible? Well, shoot, I suspect all the ones that are there, right? I mean, that makes perfect sense. The aspirations and desires that are in our hearts were placed there by the Father, or we wouldn't have them. They wouldn't be worth anything. Or.... are they really from God?

I started to make a list of dreams I had, but nothing seemed to adequately answer the question.  Every girl dreams of Prince Charming, her dashing knight that will take care of her and yet allow her to come along on his adventure. Guys are always looking for Xena: a strong woman that can fight with him, but is still feminine enough to let him rescue her.  We all dream of bigger homes, nicer cars, more money, and well behaved kids (if you want kids).  But is that really the bottom of our dream bowl?  Did we really get to our true dreams?

Here's my moment of transparency - these are my deepest dreams, the ones that keep me up at night:
1. A home that is open to students, both HS and college, that is a place of refuge/safety/guidance for them
2. A husband that is willing to walk out the will of God with me
3. Teaching not just the Word of God, but its impact on the World, past, present, and future

You all might be like, "Really?  That's what you want to do?  Never would've seen that coming!"  That's cool, but those are my dreams.  Beyond the bigger home, faster and nicer car, increase in money, etc., there is a craving for these things in my life.

This isn't your typical Baptist sermon.  I only have one point instead of three, and I'm about to head to the Word in a minute.  Here it is: Dream B.I.G. - Believing It's God.  When you get to your real dreams, the ones you don't share with anyone, or maybe you do in that moment of passionate meditation and introspection, ask God if that's His will.  If so, dream BIG.  That's faith - believing He spoke something to your heart and walking in the truth of its coming to pass. 

At church, we're starting a study on Abraham.  He was credited as a man of faith in Hebrews and as our father in the faith in Galatians.  But check out Hebrews 11 - there's a whole chapter of people that are credited as faithful!  Abraham's wife Sarah, his son Isaac, his grandson Jacob (he was the father of the people of Israel), and so many more trusted in the words spoken to them and believed the manifestation of them would come. 

Look at Habakkuk 2:2-3

 ²And the LORD answered me:

"Write the vision;
make it plain on tablets,
so he may run who reads it.
³For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.

God has given us dreams and visions.  He truly has a plan to prosper us after we've been decimated, discouraged, distracted, and possibly even defeated.  His plan and will are being worked in our lives, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us.


So, you tell me: What dreams are in your heart that only God can make possible?  What vision has He given you?  And are you standing in faith?

Time for Something New

So, this is my first blog entry from my new phone. If you know me, you know I NEEDED a new phone. I've had it about a week, and it's growing on me. My only concern is I'll be just like everyone else. Let me explain before you get all upset or whatever.


Yesterday, I was at church, and I was seated between two gentlemen. One was older; the other was closer to my age. However, both were quite reserved during worship. Initially, I remained low key as the service started (partially due to the fact that there's not much worship space at the Cobb energy center), but I gradually spread my proverbial wings and lifted them before my savior. By the end of the music portion of service, I realized my ability to engage was no longer affected by my neighbors.

As Louie spoke about leverage, I became more aware of a need for a new environment. I'm in a place where I want to leverage more money for the kingdom and less on me. By the end of the message, I had a good idea of how to make a difference where I'm at.


Where am I going with this? I don't want to be like everyone else with all my stuff and things, forgetting about others in need. I don't want to stand in worship like others do, still processing through how it all works, do I like this song, or what is that crazy black girl next to me doing? I don't want to walk through life pretending things are going well because I got a little bit of change in my pocket.

How about you? Do you want to be different than those around you? Do you mind being the person that worships a little differently, handles money differently? Are you okay with not having the newest whatever? If you do, are you using it for the kingdom, or is it just a toy?

Yeah, I'm writing this blog from an iPhone. Yeah, it's new and fun, and yeah, it's worth the living of a family in Africa for a year. But I promise you one thing - this phone and all it offers me is my gift to the Lord. At the end of the day, "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it." (1 Co. 10:26) I want to be a part of HIStory, and if this phone is a way to do so, then let's go.

Tell me, what can you leverage for the kingdom?