Here am I, send me?

Greetings and salutations from nice and warm (translate: stinking hot!) Dallas, TX :) 
Yup, I'm off on a new adventure halfway across the country, living on a hope and a prayer. Literally.

Today's post is about trust.
The End.

Seriously, I feel like I have lost the understanding of trust somewhere along this path I now walk in life. I'm in a city I don't know, with a few familiar faces, without a car, without a job, and wondering if this crazy plan in my head will actually get me through the whole school year. Honestly, I wake up, thinking, "Dear Lord God, am I dreaming?" When He says, "Not even close," my next question is, "Dear Lord God, what was I thinking?" This was even more apparent when I talked with my apartment mate (not to be confused with roommate) last night. "Wow," she said, wide eyed, "you really moved fast in choosing to come here. Your family didn't have any warning or time." My response was, "I felt a peace about coming, and I needed to get out to appreciate where I was at the time." Man, oh man, I'll take a humid 89 degrees over a dry 102 any day!

I did stop and pause to deliberate her response. I'm taking time to do so now as I sit at a table I don't own, looking at a couch I don't own, out onto a street I just learned the name of three weeks ago. And my conclusion is this: I'm here because I trust. I trust the voice of the Lord when he spoke to me and said He would provide everything I need; all I have to do is be where He wants me to be at the time He tells me to be there. Why did I move on July 31, almost a full month before class starts? To be where I'm supposed to be at the right time. Simply because of one moment of obedience, trusting a crazy word that kept me from working an extra three weeks to make a little more money, God used me to be a bridge, a scout, a little bit of a hoarder, and a friend. 

I have met some of the nicest, generous people, and I have experienced some amazing gatherings at different churches. I have prayed more, read more, studied more, questioned more, and relinquished more in these three weeks than in the last few months combined. In my arrogance, if I stayed home and made more money, I would have missed out on all these blessings, including a new friend from Newnan that understands my GA references :)

I trust you, Lord, for your hand is upon me. I am grateful and thankful for a God that is big enough to make the heavens and prop his feet on them, yet still cares about the smallest pain in my soul. I thank you, Father, for your yes and your no, for your "I love you" and your "Now, daughter...." I believe You continue to provide in the most mysterious ways, and even now Your plan is coming to pass in my life. I am Yours, and You are mine. 

Hopefully, I won't neglect the blog as long as I have, and I hope to be more fluid in my writing as time moves forward. Orientation is on Thursday, and classes for my second, and prayerfully last, educational degree program start on Monday. So, stay tuned, duckies, to see where this ships heads next. 

Rough Night

It was a rough night.

I put up a fight, but it

Was dark v. light, and 

I tried with all my might

To be in the side of right, but

My might isn't as strong as the Light in my life, 

So this fight wasn't really mine. 

It was a lesson in trust, 

It is an absolute must

That I confess my lust for

Popularity,

Notoriety, 

Society calling out my name.

I want to fit and be seen, 

I want the flashes and big screens, and yet

That's not the life You planned for me. 

I slept but didn't,

I wanted to win it, 

The fight in my Spirit,

But I tossed and turned instead, wondering if this was really me or if it was somebody

Else going for broke.

Then I awoke, and You spoke

Softly

Gently

Firmly, 

Spoke to me to let me know

You carry me,

Never let me go 

Too far or stray off and away

You're walking with me today. 

The yearns of the heart - deceptive

The wants of the flesh - destructive

The will of my Father - divine and definite

It was a rough night,

A touch and go night,

A long and tough night,

But the Light won the fight because I surrendered my might 

And let My God be the stronghold of my life 

As my spirit cries out for the Living God, maker of heaven and earth, to be my

Best friend

Beginning and end

Lifeline that never bends

Comforter and keeper that sends

Peace, for He is the Prince,

Hope that will never flinch,

And drive that wince but persists under pressure. 

God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you.

A Recent Epiphany

Hi to anyone that periodically checks here. I'm still here, bogged down with stuff, but God is slowly alleviating the extra weight, literally and figuratively.

So, I had a moment of clarity earlier this week, and it really messed with my head. It's simply this: if the person I am with truly loves God first, then he won't ask me to change who God created me to be. First, a disclaimer: this is not a slam or whatever to my past. It's a lesson learned, and I'm grateful for the chance to learn it.

Moving on...
I realized this as I was on my home from singing this weekend. The trigger was a question, "what is the biggest difference between your last relationship and the next one you enter?" I paused for a moment before responding, "In this new relationship, I don't believe I will wonder if God is his priority. It'll be evident in the way he walks, talks, and behaves toward others. He'll be a natural servant, and he'll worship without hesitation because he recognizes the value of the gift." I stopped for a moment and started to cry because very few of the guys I liked in the past resembled that statement. What did I see that had me so distracted? For a couple of them, it was totally their looks. They were gorgeous on the outside, but just dark on the inside. Others, their hearts were in the right place, but there was still a deep-seeded selfishness that dictated their decisions. Then, there were those who were in church, but it was their parents' faith or a watered down version of true relationship that led them. I asked myself, "when did I become that girl that gave up who she was to stay in a relationship?" Then I realized this truth: it happened when I stopped trusting God for a man who lives for and loves God more than anything.

Today, I read this in a devo I found:

What will married life be like if your faith in Christ is just tolerated? mocked? sabotaged? resented?

Wouldn’t you rather go through life with someone who will pray for you? pray with you? go to church with you? read the Scripture with you? sing hymns with you? receive Holy Communion with you? be a true partner in raising your children as Christians?

Please don't miss the point. It's about who you are in Christ. There is security in the actions of the last paragraph. There is a sense of freedom when you know you'll be challenged to grow, but never challenged to compromise your faith. I don't want to be simply tolerated; I want to share my faith with him. Ladies, when you express your expectations, and you get the feeling he's patting you on the head and saying "bless your heart" on the inside, trust and believe you're being tolerated, not accepted.

So I pose a rhetorical question to be answered in your personal journal, diary, or whatever: what will be different in the future because of what you experienced before?

In my life, this looks like a relationship that carries a constant challenge to stay committed to The Lord and my mate. It is one that allows personal passions to be acceptable, embraced, and encouraged on both sides! It is one that respects time and devotion. More than anything, it is a shared relationship - three cords, not easily broken.

72 Days For Freedom

I am 27 million
My face is one that looks like so many others,
Suffering from hunger, hopelessness, helplessness, and hurt.
I am 1 million
I traveled through your city on my way to somewhere, wondering if someone anywhere would see me and cry out because I could not.
I am 100,000
I live on the street only a few miles from you, near your job, near your church.
I watch as you cross the street, praying you see the desperation when your eyes meet mine.
I am 500
I sat next to you on the bus, on the train.
I rode in the cab you took just a few hours ago.
You even smiled at me when you walked away to live life.
I am 1
I am 1 girl, the one God placed on your heart earlier tonight.
I am the 1 heart, the one face you saw when you heard about 27 million.
I am God's heart, and I have a name.
One day, I will no longer be 27million.
I will just be me, free in Him, blessed by Him, loved by Him...
Because I become a girl to you, no longer a number but a face.

LIFT

Reflections from "LIFT", a worship collective held this spring:

Wow... not even done yet, and God has done such a crazy work in me! From Louie's opening to Crowder last night to Christy Nockels (whom I love as an artist and woman of God) to Chris Tomlin's heart for us as worship leaders... Tears, laughter, smiles, prayers, conviction and encouragement - I am just in awe of my Father in Heaven.
Living life out of my identity, not my calling.
Maintaining a posture of humility and remembering God gives us a response ability to respond to His presence in order for others to see Him magnifies when we worship through music.
Beginning new chapters is a beautiful thing and brings such joy (props to David Crowder for the acoustic late night).
Worship and justice really are the perfect marriage and have been for centuries. Now I know why adoption is such a huge issue for me. Worshippers naturally want life to reflect worship, and injustice is the antithesis of such. (totally wanted to ask Chris Tomlin to lay hands on me, but I figured that would be awkward)
My heart is softened and changing as I go through the hours of this amazing collective, and all I can say is thank you, Lord.
Realizing a couple things about me:
I have not because I ask not.
I look forward to the strong hand on my back and thank God he's showing me grace in this area.
Already worship and justice are wed in my heart, and now to convey to the world.
I love hearing the voice of the church rise and make declarations of love and worship to an Almighty king.
It's my responsibility to "tune my guitar" - I have to get serious about what I do. Much respect for my daughter for doing just that - so proud of my Naji.

Father, my prayer is for your will. Help me hit the bullseye, knowing you will take care of the outer rings. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Joy AND Peace?!

Romans 15:13 says the following - "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

I read this a few minutes ago, and I was like, "Hold up". A couple questions popped up, and I think I need some help with these.

Question 1: how do you have hope if you don't have joy AND peace?
Question 2: how do we help others see this truth in their lives when they just want to get through another day?
Question 3: can you have one without the other?

I have a desire to see those I love walk with the Lord. I desire to see them trust God with everything, no matter what they're going through in life. My prayer is they walk in hope, defined as God given joy and peace, so what is my part in this process?

To be continued :)

Thanks for growing with me!

Life at 30

It's been some time since I've written here. It's actually been a while since I've been inspired to write about anything... and that is why this is such a big deal.

Don't be concerned - I'm not depressed or whatever. I've just become very complacent. Over the course of the year, I have let go of what is important to embrace what does not matter. I let lazy and shallow become adjectives that describe me instead of hard working and deep. I stopped pursuing life and all its craziness because I wanted things to be easy.

No sermons, no witty quips, and no thought provoking... thoughts. Just me, baring the lifeless drought in my soul.

2011 is almost over - do I dare to end serving the beat wine, or will I allow my flesh to rule over me for another day? Prayer is welcome at this time.

Life at 30 is very different for me on the inside. I imagined growth, promotion, and expansion. So, now, I choose to look at my life, examine it through the Holy Spirit, and ask myself, "are you willing to truly let go?"

My desire is the rest of my 30th year does not reflect these last few months. I'm lost, but His love hasn't given up yet.

They say life begins at 30 - I'm inclined to think they're right.