Ugly

Ugly

Two months in... only approx. 46 more if all goes well, and I finish this program on time.

Two months in... and I fight to stay even one more day.

Two months in... and I see the ugly.

It's in me.

Over the last week or so, I got tired - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired. It took everything in me to get up and even say hello to God without shaking my fist at the day. I wrote a ton, read a ton, memorized two tons, and, at the end of the week, still felt as though there was a ton more left to complete, memorize, and read for this week. In the midst of this week, to include the weekend, I got frustrated, upset, anxious, and flat out pissed off. I wanted to yell and throw something. I wanted to hit a wall. I needed to get out, and there's no refuge for me here. I wanted... I NEEDED to get away, and I couldn't, no matter how much my soul cried out out for a space for just myself and God.

The ugly is in me, and I don't like it!

I want what's good and right, and yet I do, say, and become what's not. I desire to be encouraging and thoughtful and encompassing, but I'm snippy, short, and selfish. I want so badly to be able to handle life well, and I feel like all that happened was this expertly designed facade popped up everywhere. Right words, right gestures, and even the rightly timed smile... expert, and that disgusts me.

The ugly is in me, and I can't be rid of it.

The ugly is built into my life - it is controlled and brought into place as the Holy Spirit becomes more dominant. I have a new master that requires allegiance of a different variety. I am no longer a slave to sin, Paul writes in Romans, but identified with Christ in his death AND resurrection. HOWEVER, the ugly is still there, and it fights with Christ in me regularly. Good thing this is an ongoing discussion in Spiritual Life (class), right?

The ugly is in me, but God is using it anyway.

Today, I was overcritical, harsh, and insensitive about some issues as I brought them before the Lord. So I flat out asked him, "Why am I here?" He told me I'm here because I listened to His voice. He prompted, nudged, and pushed me to be here because this moment is not for me.

Seriously?! I don't want my life to go this way so I can counsel or listen or be there for someone! This is ALL about me! 

Or is it?

Whose truth is being cemented in my heart? Whose name gets glory when I graduate, marry (or reverse those two - I'm okay with that), teach, preach, sing, lead, encourage, counsel, nurture, correct, console, write, produce, or simply just breathe in and out? Definitely not mine!

God, my Father in Heaven, Jesus, my big brother and Savior, and Holy Spirit, my friend and companion, are all glorious and worthy of praise for every amazing thing that happens in  my life. This experience isn't for me to live the good life - it's for my life to bring Him glory. No lie - sometimes you just want to say, "Leave me alone and grow up! Go to God because you're obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue!!"

So, here I am, going to God because I'm obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue. Please pray for me to find a strong Christian counselor. Pray for my healing. I read a comic based on "Footprints", and God tells the man, "The one set of footprints is when I carried you... the long marks are from when I pulled you, kicking and screaming." That's me in this current season, friends, kicking and screaming, but I know it's temporary in light of eternity. So, for now, the ugly is there, and I don't have a bow to wrap this up, but I have hope because where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. 

Here am I, send me?

Greetings and salutations from nice and warm (translate: stinking hot!) Dallas, TX :) 
Yup, I'm off on a new adventure halfway across the country, living on a hope and a prayer. Literally.

Today's post is about trust.
The End.

Seriously, I feel like I have lost the understanding of trust somewhere along this path I now walk in life. I'm in a city I don't know, with a few familiar faces, without a car, without a job, and wondering if this crazy plan in my head will actually get me through the whole school year. Honestly, I wake up, thinking, "Dear Lord God, am I dreaming?" When He says, "Not even close," my next question is, "Dear Lord God, what was I thinking?" This was even more apparent when I talked with my apartment mate (not to be confused with roommate) last night. "Wow," she said, wide eyed, "you really moved fast in choosing to come here. Your family didn't have any warning or time." My response was, "I felt a peace about coming, and I needed to get out to appreciate where I was at the time." Man, oh man, I'll take a humid 89 degrees over a dry 102 any day!

I did stop and pause to deliberate her response. I'm taking time to do so now as I sit at a table I don't own, looking at a couch I don't own, out onto a street I just learned the name of three weeks ago. And my conclusion is this: I'm here because I trust. I trust the voice of the Lord when he spoke to me and said He would provide everything I need; all I have to do is be where He wants me to be at the time He tells me to be there. Why did I move on July 31, almost a full month before class starts? To be where I'm supposed to be at the right time. Simply because of one moment of obedience, trusting a crazy word that kept me from working an extra three weeks to make a little more money, God used me to be a bridge, a scout, a little bit of a hoarder, and a friend. 

I have met some of the nicest, generous people, and I have experienced some amazing gatherings at different churches. I have prayed more, read more, studied more, questioned more, and relinquished more in these three weeks than in the last few months combined. In my arrogance, if I stayed home and made more money, I would have missed out on all these blessings, including a new friend from Newnan that understands my GA references :)

I trust you, Lord, for your hand is upon me. I am grateful and thankful for a God that is big enough to make the heavens and prop his feet on them, yet still cares about the smallest pain in my soul. I thank you, Father, for your yes and your no, for your "I love you" and your "Now, daughter...." I believe You continue to provide in the most mysterious ways, and even now Your plan is coming to pass in my life. I am Yours, and You are mine. 

Hopefully, I won't neglect the blog as long as I have, and I hope to be more fluid in my writing as time moves forward. Orientation is on Thursday, and classes for my second, and prayerfully last, educational degree program start on Monday. So, stay tuned, duckies, to see where this ships heads next. 

Rough Night

It was a rough night.

I put up a fight, but it

Was dark v. light, and 

I tried with all my might

To be in the side of right, but

My might isn't as strong as the Light in my life, 

So this fight wasn't really mine. 

It was a lesson in trust, 

It is an absolute must

That I confess my lust for

Popularity,

Notoriety, 

Society calling out my name.

I want to fit and be seen, 

I want the flashes and big screens, and yet

That's not the life You planned for me. 

I slept but didn't,

I wanted to win it, 

The fight in my Spirit,

But I tossed and turned instead, wondering if this was really me or if it was somebody

Else going for broke.

Then I awoke, and You spoke

Softly

Gently

Firmly, 

Spoke to me to let me know

You carry me,

Never let me go 

Too far or stray off and away

You're walking with me today. 

The yearns of the heart - deceptive

The wants of the flesh - destructive

The will of my Father - divine and definite

It was a rough night,

A touch and go night,

A long and tough night,

But the Light won the fight because I surrendered my might 

And let My God be the stronghold of my life 

As my spirit cries out for the Living God, maker of heaven and earth, to be my

Best friend

Beginning and end

Lifeline that never bends

Comforter and keeper that sends

Peace, for He is the Prince,

Hope that will never flinch,

And drive that wince but persists under pressure. 

God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you.

A Recent Epiphany

Hi to anyone that periodically checks here. I'm still here, bogged down with stuff, but God is slowly alleviating the extra weight, literally and figuratively.

So, I had a moment of clarity earlier this week, and it really messed with my head. It's simply this: if the person I am with truly loves God first, then he won't ask me to change who God created me to be. First, a disclaimer: this is not a slam or whatever to my past. It's a lesson learned, and I'm grateful for the chance to learn it.

Moving on...
I realized this as I was on my home from singing this weekend. The trigger was a question, "what is the biggest difference between your last relationship and the next one you enter?" I paused for a moment before responding, "In this new relationship, I don't believe I will wonder if God is his priority. It'll be evident in the way he walks, talks, and behaves toward others. He'll be a natural servant, and he'll worship without hesitation because he recognizes the value of the gift." I stopped for a moment and started to cry because very few of the guys I liked in the past resembled that statement. What did I see that had me so distracted? For a couple of them, it was totally their looks. They were gorgeous on the outside, but just dark on the inside. Others, their hearts were in the right place, but there was still a deep-seeded selfishness that dictated their decisions. Then, there were those who were in church, but it was their parents' faith or a watered down version of true relationship that led them. I asked myself, "when did I become that girl that gave up who she was to stay in a relationship?" Then I realized this truth: it happened when I stopped trusting God for a man who lives for and loves God more than anything.

Today, I read this in a devo I found:

What will married life be like if your faith in Christ is just tolerated? mocked? sabotaged? resented?

Wouldn’t you rather go through life with someone who will pray for you? pray with you? go to church with you? read the Scripture with you? sing hymns with you? receive Holy Communion with you? be a true partner in raising your children as Christians?

Please don't miss the point. It's about who you are in Christ. There is security in the actions of the last paragraph. There is a sense of freedom when you know you'll be challenged to grow, but never challenged to compromise your faith. I don't want to be simply tolerated; I want to share my faith with him. Ladies, when you express your expectations, and you get the feeling he's patting you on the head and saying "bless your heart" on the inside, trust and believe you're being tolerated, not accepted.

So I pose a rhetorical question to be answered in your personal journal, diary, or whatever: what will be different in the future because of what you experienced before?

In my life, this looks like a relationship that carries a constant challenge to stay committed to The Lord and my mate. It is one that allows personal passions to be acceptable, embraced, and encouraged on both sides! It is one that respects time and devotion. More than anything, it is a shared relationship - three cords, not easily broken.

72 Days For Freedom

I am 27 million
My face is one that looks like so many others,
Suffering from hunger, hopelessness, helplessness, and hurt.
I am 1 million
I traveled through your city on my way to somewhere, wondering if someone anywhere would see me and cry out because I could not.
I am 100,000
I live on the street only a few miles from you, near your job, near your church.
I watch as you cross the street, praying you see the desperation when your eyes meet mine.
I am 500
I sat next to you on the bus, on the train.
I rode in the cab you took just a few hours ago.
You even smiled at me when you walked away to live life.
I am 1
I am 1 girl, the one God placed on your heart earlier tonight.
I am the 1 heart, the one face you saw when you heard about 27 million.
I am God's heart, and I have a name.
One day, I will no longer be 27million.
I will just be me, free in Him, blessed by Him, loved by Him...
Because I become a girl to you, no longer a number but a face.

LIFT

Reflections from "LIFT", a worship collective held this spring:

Wow... not even done yet, and God has done such a crazy work in me! From Louie's opening to Crowder last night to Christy Nockels (whom I love as an artist and woman of God) to Chris Tomlin's heart for us as worship leaders... Tears, laughter, smiles, prayers, conviction and encouragement - I am just in awe of my Father in Heaven.
Living life out of my identity, not my calling.
Maintaining a posture of humility and remembering God gives us a response ability to respond to His presence in order for others to see Him magnifies when we worship through music.
Beginning new chapters is a beautiful thing and brings such joy (props to David Crowder for the acoustic late night).
Worship and justice really are the perfect marriage and have been for centuries. Now I know why adoption is such a huge issue for me. Worshippers naturally want life to reflect worship, and injustice is the antithesis of such. (totally wanted to ask Chris Tomlin to lay hands on me, but I figured that would be awkward)
My heart is softened and changing as I go through the hours of this amazing collective, and all I can say is thank you, Lord.
Realizing a couple things about me:
I have not because I ask not.
I look forward to the strong hand on my back and thank God he's showing me grace in this area.
Already worship and justice are wed in my heart, and now to convey to the world.
I love hearing the voice of the church rise and make declarations of love and worship to an Almighty king.
It's my responsibility to "tune my guitar" - I have to get serious about what I do. Much respect for my daughter for doing just that - so proud of my Naji.

Father, my prayer is for your will. Help me hit the bullseye, knowing you will take care of the outer rings. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Joy AND Peace?!

Romans 15:13 says the following - "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

I read this a few minutes ago, and I was like, "Hold up". A couple questions popped up, and I think I need some help with these.

Question 1: how do you have hope if you don't have joy AND peace?
Question 2: how do we help others see this truth in their lives when they just want to get through another day?
Question 3: can you have one without the other?

I have a desire to see those I love walk with the Lord. I desire to see them trust God with everything, no matter what they're going through in life. My prayer is they walk in hope, defined as God given joy and peace, so what is my part in this process?

To be continued :)

Thanks for growing with me!