What's Best? Who Gets to Decide?

On the second day of February, I realized these things:

6 seminary classes 

5 hours of sleep a night

4 weeks of school have passed

3 crazy people in a Honda Fit is interesting

2 Passion conferences,

and a research topic due last night.

I know... I counted down from six on the second day, but that's where life is right now. I should be writing a paper on the mission of God and how it's revealed in a book of the bible. I probably need to pick a book to reflect and engage, but for now... I see a long day tomorrow. 

This semester looks, feels, sounds, and resounds within me very differently than last semester. I believe part of this is because I now understand life here in Dallas a little better. I do believe, though, that it's also because I am anxious. Wanting to speed through and walk into ministry, desiring to accelerate the dating process (without actually dating), hoping to finally establish a home that has my roots at the foundation... I'm finding myself looking forward often, desiring what's ahead instead of resting where I am currently. 

In my present state, I struggle to find the bow. I feel a bit like a wanderer, not quite having a place to rest, and I struggle with understanding why this path. I'm not afraid like I was before, and I'm not skeptical of what could happen. I'm doing what I do best: pushing forward only to find I'm overstepping God's boundaries. Patience, peace, rest, contentment... the more I long for them, the more elusive they become in light of the situations that increase and fortify their presence in my life. I am not ungrateful - God's grace is overabundant in my life. I am not lacking a thankful heart - his presence and providence are perfect in every way.

I am still human, allowing flesh to dictate aspects of life. Today, however, I repented to God for my arrogance and pride, simply for thinking he doesn't know what's best for me. Not only did I think that, I also believed he doesn't want to give me what's best for me, as though I know what's best. Ultimately, as Ben Stuart said, I didn't trust him to be a good dad. The struggle is real: I want to be married, have a home, fill it with kids, and teach in a ministry while leading worship and assisting others produce and make their dreams a reality.  I want to work full time and finish this degree, getting married in the process. I want to somehow have enough money to pay my students loans quickly, purchase some land with my husband, and create a safe haven, not separate from reality, but a biblical way to live in reality, continuing to engage culture and yet bringing biblical, sound doctrine into real life. 

Is this what's best for me?

Do I get to choose what's best for me?

Do ALL of my decisions affect what's best for me?

Will my decisions delay what's best for me?

Not completely fleshed out due to tiredness...

Pieces

Javier Colon - Stitch By Stitch (let it play in the background while you read)

Blue and black, heart torn out,
You uncover what's beneath my skin
There and back, there's no doubt, your touch is my medicine

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

I believe I live in a broken state. Not necessarily contrite, but seemingly very broken. I feel like life is harder than I expected being here in Dallas, and I sometimes wonder if anyone else really understands this feeling. Intellectually, I know there are many students here that struggle with being away from family and close friends. They live life knowing all they can do to get through the day is remind themselves that God is who He says He is, and there is a definite purpose to this season in life.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch 
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

What you say, without words, resuscitates what was numb inside
So repair me, every thread of me, 'cause you're bringing me back to life

For me, though, there is a lingering question: Will you take everything that's been broken and put it back together, Lord? I'm living half a country (and half a day's trip) from those that know me most and best. I wonder on a regular basis if this is really where I'm supposed to be right now. I am already unable to meet expectations of and struggling to fairly set boundaries for others. I see all that is wrong in the world before I see what is beautiful. More than anything, issues that were once dealt with and dead seem to have risen once again in my life.

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now stitch, by stitch

I'm still afraid of falling, somehow it's takin' over me
Don't ever let me let it go...

There and back, there's no doubt, your touch makes me whole again

In this moment, I have to stand firmly and securely in God's ability to heal and make a beautiful piece of work out of the fragments of my life. If I doubt His hand in my life, then the fear of falling becomes a definite reality. If I forget His goodness, I will waver in my faithfulness.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch

Here is my brokenness, my shame, my pain, and my need.
Dear God, Your presence in my life is unmistakable; only You could repair me before, and only You can fix me now.
Yet, I still walk in insecurity, trying to cover my open wounds.
In You, there is peace and rest for my soul.
My scars, reopened and exposed, heal only by Your hand.
I will be who You created me to be; as You mend and stitch, You form Your son and His character.

Phil 1:4-6
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Praying, as He puts me back together, each stitch solidifies who I am as a child of God in my mind, emotions, relationships, and ministry.

An Introverted Seminarian... If That Makes Any Sense

Over the last few weeks, seminary has been a new life and learning experience. So much of what happens in my everyday life is far removed from what I'm used to at home. Atlanta is covered in fall colors, and Dallas stays warm and... covered in concrete. I'm used to living life laid back, coming and going when I please, unfettered unless I choose to be. I now experience life in a small radius at a slow moving (read walking) pace. Home is still in Marietta, and I happen to live in Dallas.

The community in which I reside gathered together for dinner this evening. It's our fourth dinner together, and I usually appreciate the time as a break from studying, a chance to build relationships, and an opportunity to eat some really fantastic food. However, tonight was more difficult, and I came back upstairs within minutes. See, I went out last night, and there were a lot of people. Two days back to back... a little overwhelming.

Sitting on the floor with my plate, I wrote a paper on introversion and leadership in the church. I know I am a "social introvert", so I'm able to handle social events to an extent and even seem outgoing. Yet, after the noise fades away, it's in the solitude and silence that I am free and at peace.

How does life look for an introvert in seminary? Well, on some days, it looks like a genuine smile and interest in your day. These days usually include laughter, lots of questions, and possibly hand gestures. Other times, it looks like a genuine smile accompanied by a soft tone and a hug. Then, there are days when the wall is holding me up, and my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. This day might also produce a wave or a nod. Bottom out days... our encounters will probably be quiet and brief.

It's not that I don't care... because I honestly do with a genuine concern.
It's not that I don't like you... unless I genuinely don't like you (which takes a LOT of effort for me).
Its' not that I am anti-social... I like to laugh and enjoy hearing about your story. Everyone's story has value.

I just can't be on all the time.

This is a constant struggle for me. I'm still insecure in my new environment, and I know I can say and do things that will harm people when I don't think before I speak or act. I walk around in a constant tense state, trying to be encouraging and speaking words that I won't regret later. However, I also know this isn't healthy for me in any aspect.

Ugly

Ugly

Two months in... only approx. 46 more if all goes well, and I finish this program on time.

Two months in... and I fight to stay even one more day.

Two months in... and I see the ugly.

It's in me.

Over the last week or so, I got tired - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired. It took everything in me to get up and even say hello to God without shaking my fist at the day. I wrote a ton, read a ton, memorized two tons, and, at the end of the week, still felt as though there was a ton more left to complete, memorize, and read for this week. In the midst of this week, to include the weekend, I got frustrated, upset, anxious, and flat out pissed off. I wanted to yell and throw something. I wanted to hit a wall. I needed to get out, and there's no refuge for me here. I wanted... I NEEDED to get away, and I couldn't, no matter how much my soul cried out out for a space for just myself and God.

The ugly is in me, and I don't like it!

I want what's good and right, and yet I do, say, and become what's not. I desire to be encouraging and thoughtful and encompassing, but I'm snippy, short, and selfish. I want so badly to be able to handle life well, and I feel like all that happened was this expertly designed facade popped up everywhere. Right words, right gestures, and even the rightly timed smile... expert, and that disgusts me.

The ugly is in me, and I can't be rid of it.

The ugly is built into my life - it is controlled and brought into place as the Holy Spirit becomes more dominant. I have a new master that requires allegiance of a different variety. I am no longer a slave to sin, Paul writes in Romans, but identified with Christ in his death AND resurrection. HOWEVER, the ugly is still there, and it fights with Christ in me regularly. Good thing this is an ongoing discussion in Spiritual Life (class), right?

The ugly is in me, but God is using it anyway.

Today, I was overcritical, harsh, and insensitive about some issues as I brought them before the Lord. So I flat out asked him, "Why am I here?" He told me I'm here because I listened to His voice. He prompted, nudged, and pushed me to be here because this moment is not for me.

Seriously?! I don't want my life to go this way so I can counsel or listen or be there for someone! This is ALL about me! 

Or is it?

Whose truth is being cemented in my heart? Whose name gets glory when I graduate, marry (or reverse those two - I'm okay with that), teach, preach, sing, lead, encourage, counsel, nurture, correct, console, write, produce, or simply just breathe in and out? Definitely not mine!

God, my Father in Heaven, Jesus, my big brother and Savior, and Holy Spirit, my friend and companion, are all glorious and worthy of praise for every amazing thing that happens in  my life. This experience isn't for me to live the good life - it's for my life to bring Him glory. No lie - sometimes you just want to say, "Leave me alone and grow up! Go to God because you're obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue!!"

So, here I am, going to God because I'm obviously wrong, or it wouldn't be an issue. Please pray for me to find a strong Christian counselor. Pray for my healing. I read a comic based on "Footprints", and God tells the man, "The one set of footprints is when I carried you... the long marks are from when I pulled you, kicking and screaming." That's me in this current season, friends, kicking and screaming, but I know it's temporary in light of eternity. So, for now, the ugly is there, and I don't have a bow to wrap this up, but I have hope because where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. 

Here am I, send me?

Greetings and salutations from nice and warm (translate: stinking hot!) Dallas, TX :) 
Yup, I'm off on a new adventure halfway across the country, living on a hope and a prayer. Literally.

Today's post is about trust.
The End.

Seriously, I feel like I have lost the understanding of trust somewhere along this path I now walk in life. I'm in a city I don't know, with a few familiar faces, without a car, without a job, and wondering if this crazy plan in my head will actually get me through the whole school year. Honestly, I wake up, thinking, "Dear Lord God, am I dreaming?" When He says, "Not even close," my next question is, "Dear Lord God, what was I thinking?" This was even more apparent when I talked with my apartment mate (not to be confused with roommate) last night. "Wow," she said, wide eyed, "you really moved fast in choosing to come here. Your family didn't have any warning or time." My response was, "I felt a peace about coming, and I needed to get out to appreciate where I was at the time." Man, oh man, I'll take a humid 89 degrees over a dry 102 any day!

I did stop and pause to deliberate her response. I'm taking time to do so now as I sit at a table I don't own, looking at a couch I don't own, out onto a street I just learned the name of three weeks ago. And my conclusion is this: I'm here because I trust. I trust the voice of the Lord when he spoke to me and said He would provide everything I need; all I have to do is be where He wants me to be at the time He tells me to be there. Why did I move on July 31, almost a full month before class starts? To be where I'm supposed to be at the right time. Simply because of one moment of obedience, trusting a crazy word that kept me from working an extra three weeks to make a little more money, God used me to be a bridge, a scout, a little bit of a hoarder, and a friend. 

I have met some of the nicest, generous people, and I have experienced some amazing gatherings at different churches. I have prayed more, read more, studied more, questioned more, and relinquished more in these three weeks than in the last few months combined. In my arrogance, if I stayed home and made more money, I would have missed out on all these blessings, including a new friend from Newnan that understands my GA references :)

I trust you, Lord, for your hand is upon me. I am grateful and thankful for a God that is big enough to make the heavens and prop his feet on them, yet still cares about the smallest pain in my soul. I thank you, Father, for your yes and your no, for your "I love you" and your "Now, daughter...." I believe You continue to provide in the most mysterious ways, and even now Your plan is coming to pass in my life. I am Yours, and You are mine. 

Hopefully, I won't neglect the blog as long as I have, and I hope to be more fluid in my writing as time moves forward. Orientation is on Thursday, and classes for my second, and prayerfully last, educational degree program start on Monday. So, stay tuned, duckies, to see where this ships heads next. 

Rough Night

It was a rough night.

I put up a fight, but it

Was dark v. light, and 

I tried with all my might

To be in the side of right, but

My might isn't as strong as the Light in my life, 

So this fight wasn't really mine. 

It was a lesson in trust, 

It is an absolute must

That I confess my lust for

Popularity,

Notoriety, 

Society calling out my name.

I want to fit and be seen, 

I want the flashes and big screens, and yet

That's not the life You planned for me. 

I slept but didn't,

I wanted to win it, 

The fight in my Spirit,

But I tossed and turned instead, wondering if this was really me or if it was somebody

Else going for broke.

Then I awoke, and You spoke

Softly

Gently

Firmly, 

Spoke to me to let me know

You carry me,

Never let me go 

Too far or stray off and away

You're walking with me today. 

The yearns of the heart - deceptive

The wants of the flesh - destructive

The will of my Father - divine and definite

It was a rough night,

A touch and go night,

A long and tough night,

But the Light won the fight because I surrendered my might 

And let My God be the stronghold of my life 

As my spirit cries out for the Living God, maker of heaven and earth, to be my

Best friend

Beginning and end

Lifeline that never bends

Comforter and keeper that sends

Peace, for He is the Prince,

Hope that will never flinch,

And drive that wince but persists under pressure. 

God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you.

A Recent Epiphany

Hi to anyone that periodically checks here. I'm still here, bogged down with stuff, but God is slowly alleviating the extra weight, literally and figuratively.

So, I had a moment of clarity earlier this week, and it really messed with my head. It's simply this: if the person I am with truly loves God first, then he won't ask me to change who God created me to be. First, a disclaimer: this is not a slam or whatever to my past. It's a lesson learned, and I'm grateful for the chance to learn it.

Moving on...
I realized this as I was on my home from singing this weekend. The trigger was a question, "what is the biggest difference between your last relationship and the next one you enter?" I paused for a moment before responding, "In this new relationship, I don't believe I will wonder if God is his priority. It'll be evident in the way he walks, talks, and behaves toward others. He'll be a natural servant, and he'll worship without hesitation because he recognizes the value of the gift." I stopped for a moment and started to cry because very few of the guys I liked in the past resembled that statement. What did I see that had me so distracted? For a couple of them, it was totally their looks. They were gorgeous on the outside, but just dark on the inside. Others, their hearts were in the right place, but there was still a deep-seeded selfishness that dictated their decisions. Then, there were those who were in church, but it was their parents' faith or a watered down version of true relationship that led them. I asked myself, "when did I become that girl that gave up who she was to stay in a relationship?" Then I realized this truth: it happened when I stopped trusting God for a man who lives for and loves God more than anything.

Today, I read this in a devo I found:

What will married life be like if your faith in Christ is just tolerated? mocked? sabotaged? resented?

Wouldn’t you rather go through life with someone who will pray for you? pray with you? go to church with you? read the Scripture with you? sing hymns with you? receive Holy Communion with you? be a true partner in raising your children as Christians?

Please don't miss the point. It's about who you are in Christ. There is security in the actions of the last paragraph. There is a sense of freedom when you know you'll be challenged to grow, but never challenged to compromise your faith. I don't want to be simply tolerated; I want to share my faith with him. Ladies, when you express your expectations, and you get the feeling he's patting you on the head and saying "bless your heart" on the inside, trust and believe you're being tolerated, not accepted.

So I pose a rhetorical question to be answered in your personal journal, diary, or whatever: what will be different in the future because of what you experienced before?

In my life, this looks like a relationship that carries a constant challenge to stay committed to The Lord and my mate. It is one that allows personal passions to be acceptable, embraced, and encouraged on both sides! It is one that respects time and devotion. More than anything, it is a shared relationship - three cords, not easily broken.